Goodbye.
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Not sure why I'm posting this, perhaps one last cry for attention. I finally understand that in the grand schema of this hobby I don't matter. I am a blip on the radar, a tiny pebble in the ocean. As interchangeable and replaceable as a Lego piece.
Achievements and collaborations I'm proud of go forgotten, mistakes and people who despised me a thing of the past as well. I have given so much of my life to a hobby that, at this point, makes me feel insignificant and dehumanized.
Don't get me wrong, I genuinely care and love many of you. Members of this community have helped me many times when I have needed it. And I will always remember and appreciate that. But, it's gotten to the point where I am sure that is all I'll be remembered for-- the times I needed your help.
The games I have created, the ones I have collaborated on, the ones I have played on-- I don't matter. They don't matter. None of it. I'll be replaced as soon as someone wants my spot bad enough. Some other angsty flake. Part of me wants to scream, to rage, to demand to know why I don't matter enough. But that's pointless. This is a fact of reality. To the universe, to the world, to this hobby. No single matters. And I'm just a single person.
I've already been replaced. It's time to go.
So, I'm going the way of Thenomain, EmmahSue, Peverel, Brus, Bloodnut, R2, Ceredwyn, Whirlwind, PsyJane, Rasheem, and others of this community whose names I struggle to recall. Some I go less gracefully than. Others more so.
So long. Stay healthy, safe, and happy.
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Take care of yourself. I'll miss you. Good luck out there!
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Take care, you.
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Darkwater was my very first MUSH! That was you, right?
GLHF in life!
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Darkwater was my second long-term MU*, and still one of my favorites. I've enjoyed a number of the games you've run, and will miss you! But you absolutely have to do what's best and healthiest for you.
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It is always fine and even often healthy to take a break from mushing be that break an hour or forever or anything in between.
While we have historically not got along, have clashing personalities, I am confident that many players found your games to be wonderful fun and remember them fondly and don't find your replaceable, far from it.
I am confident that many who played with your on arx or been in your prps would say the same.
Mushing is both just a game and more than a game at the same time.
By that I mean....
In most cases people and events in our real lives are going to matter more than what happens on the game. We are often mushing to have fun moment by moment and the moments can soar by without the same kind of building that might happen in real life. Our virtual friendships might be played for a short time and our virtual babies might never grow up our virtual wars fought and forgotten, fading. We might get fuzzy on some of the scenes we had and some of the people we played with. Games come and go. Worlds rise and fall, ending mostly with whimpers rather than bangs.
On the other hand, real friendships and memories are made in mushing. I absolutely love to talk with people who were around in Arx in 2018 about the stories we told and the rp we had back then. I will smile fondly over old mushing memories and maybe even cried over a few of them too. I cry more than I should or maybe I don't cry as much as I should. or maybe there is no amount of /should or shouldn't/ when it comes to tears.
Virtual scenes can bring tears that are wet as the rain and sometimes real pain is too sharp and dry for even a drop.
I still to this day think fondly on the winter gray forest missions, even though they are now dusty and largely forgotten, little dust mites of near nothingness in the histories of Arx. Are they meaningless as they fade further and further from the relevence? Well what is the meaning of meaning?
They were joyous and sometimes, once in a while, I find someone talking about the winter mission the or attack on Maelstorm or the war of Silence, the dogs who killed Zhayla and Killian, the day Aislinn went missing from the ship and even of the five paladins, now you must remember them and so on and so forth.
And ever once in a while...Reese will tell some unlucky soul, a story of who one of the figurines she has placed around her tower was, going over the stories of the Killian, Esoka, Zhalya, Sparte, Estaban, Aiden, Harald, Copper, Joslyn, Aislinn, Niamh, Rymarr - the people she used to know and rarely just ever so rarely, she alludes to Ainsley.
I try not to bore the poor people too much though with stuff before their time, but I do think of that song, empty chairs at empty tables sometimes when I a playing her.
I have made close friends who with whom my relationships with transcends any games even if we started by just roleplaying, but was it ever /just/ roleplaying. With some, not with all.
You fucked up. I have too We all fucked up, in one way or another, some in lots of ways or another. I am sure I have in lots of ways.
You are memorable. I certainly remember. Much of Reese's interaction with Ainsley, even the tense interactions drove her to become what she has become. I like what she has become.
It threads under the surface, Reese pushed herself so far partly because of a certain scene we had. I won't go into the details as that will derail. But the point is, Ainsley still effects the game and is not forever faded or forgotton.Walking with those memories and leaving mushing is a valid choice, a very valid choice, but the echoes of the scenes you once had and the worlds you have built will linger in your mind and in the minds of others, maybe the hearts too.
Those you played on Arx are not forgotten. The games you ran are not forgotten. Things would be not be quite the same if your characters were played by anyone else.
But even more so, Cobalt is not forgotten.
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@cobalt This could be 100% projection on my part, but your post does read to me like a cry for help: the kind a depressed person makes. I'm worried for you, Cobalt. I hope you're okay, and that this is a passing unhappiness you feel alright coming back from after it's done. If I'm wrong about that and this is a permanent situation, then I still hope you're okay, and happier in your new stage of life.
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@cobalt City By the Bay. Good times. Guess you're wrong about being remembered.
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@cobalt I really just hope that you're okay. And that you take care of yourself.
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While we have historically not got along, have clashing personalities, I am confident that many players found your games to be wonderful fun and remember them fondly and don't find your replaceable, far from it.
You and I have not historically gotten along either, but I just wanted to say that your post was really, really lovely and really gracious.
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@cobalt Sorry to hear it. I am still in touch with Ceredywn.
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You will, of course, be missed. If I have any regrets, it's that our work schedules and time-zones so frequently conspired against us. You caught my attention immediately and kept it throughout your tenure. You know how to reach me if you desire, and I hope you avail yourself of it.
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@Cobalt and I met on a MU more than a decade ago, and somehow, I ended up taking her under my wing. She's an extra little sister for me; I'm an extra older sister for her. She's slept in my guest room when times were rough, and we've been through good times and bad together, sometimes from across the US.
Anyway, I'll do what I can to keep an eye on her for you guys, even as she fades from here and applies energy to other things.
And even if I haven't approved of every stupid thing she's done, I still love her for who she is. I'm very glad so many of you remember her so fondly. It makes me happy to know I'm not the only one who considers her a friend.
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Take care of you. Thank you for all you have done. Thank you for being you.
No one is perfect. Every one of us has dealt with misunderstanding and even dealing with how our quirks are perceived by others.
Overall I think you've been a positive and contributing force and that's how I remember you and will continue toremember you.
Thank you. -
@cobalt The feelings of isolation, alienation, and impostor syndrome that come with this hobby and it's insane social constructs are normal. Almost every person who I've talked to who stopped playing MUs and stopped caring about the 'social scene' are living much more fulfilling day to day lives with a lot less drama and feelings of low self esteem. Myself included.
Realizing that people are ultimately replaceable and years of effort amounts to nothing kept is key. Everyone's life deserves to build and grow. This hobby is just...treading water and calling "had less drama that one week" as a victory. After years I really have come to the conclusion that the amount of time people spend in this particular hobby takes a heavy impact on their emotional and social health. Many who I talk to who quit the games agree that even socializing with non-MUers is strange after coming out of the cave; that it took them a while to properly communicate outside of the hobby due to the echo chamber impact to their social skills.
Take this as an opportunity to get out there and create something, grow, and connect with regular people without these extreme social abnormalities. It's HEALTHY and it feels good.
I recommend:
- Online D&D/Etc groups over discord
- Online writing clubs
- Take up stuff like disc golf or a tactile hobby like knitting
- Stop watching the news so regularly if you haven't yet. Little headlines are fine but all of the propaganda on Facebook, CNN. FOX, etc is designed to cause emotional impact. In some way this stuff is poisonous.
BE HAPPY. ENJOY IT.
Delete the Hog Pit. It'll be fun.
I really don't understand He-Man -
I agree with a lot of this. Mushing takes not just a lot of time, but often a lot of emotional energy. It sometimes comes without a lot of building and growth.
The time can leave less time to exercise, cook healthy food, meet friends in real life, study for school, focus on a partner and even find love.
Sometimes playing fantasy people can increase insecurity and slow one in finding peace and comfort with themselves.
At the height of my mush addiction I was working nights in an acute hospice care and spending my days caring for my at the time profoundly autistic son who the experts told would never be okay. I felt very isolated. He used to scream when out with too much stimulus. I was also told my autoimmune situation might have a poor prognosis and lead me to an early death, leaving my son to an uncertain fate
I was too depressed to cry about it, face it or think about it so I mushed day after day hour after hour and finally started to feel not even real. I would attend death after death at night in this dream like half real state.
I wasted a lot of time.
I am not fully better, but I faced my pain. I cried. I stopped working nights. I stopped working hospice. I focused on my health and have a new hopeful prognosis and a new more helpful nurse practitioner in place of my old MD. I worked a covid unit and learned I have a lot to offer people. And most of all my son is doing much better and is now considered higher functioning. He talks up a storm, is healthy, happy and loves to go do things. He may never be independent and that scares me for him, but they said the same if me so time will tell. Love him either way.
Mushing was not all bad and I still play in a limited way.
I made great and very helpful friends. I learned a lot about writing and people. I talked with many Neuro atypical supportive peeps who encouraged me. I got massive support from the mushing community and at times the distraction of the game is what I needed, but I took it too far.
I mush still, but only when and if it feels healthy and good and I will never mush so much it is like a second life rather than a game again.
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So I think questions to ask about is mushing healthy or not might be....list incoming I love lists, I blame the autism!
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How much time am I mushing? If one is mushing 8 hours every day it is too much!
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Am I neglecting my health in part because of time on the mush - not working out, getting sun light, eating well etc
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Am I not facing a fear, problem or sorrow, but distracting with mushing?
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Am I cutting time short with family, friends and etc to get back to the game.
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Am not doing fun things in real life I might otherwise do.
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Am I getting too upset, hurt, worked up and etc about things on the game?
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Am I making drama on the game?
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Am Ieaning to much on mush friends
And if one has a problem like I did
Sunlight, sleep, working out, eating better, mushing breaks, career change if need be, therapy, a new doctor if need be, time with friends and family, a pet, gardens small trips, embracing the moment, music, stem dancing with your also autistic son might help
But lots of things might help and we all have a different path to walk
Mushing is not one size fits all and for all the harm from it, the support helped me through the darkest of times.
Much
for much of the mush community. -
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Hi guys,
I'm sorry for my dramatics with this post. @GreenFlashlight kinda hit the nail on the head, re: depression. I wanted to thank you all for the kind words and support you left here. I also wanted to let you know that I am O.K.
Medicine has been increased and I'm undergoing different tests and dietary changes to figure out why I feel sick all the time. But I'm beginning to feel more like a human being again day by day.
I'm not planning on returning to MUSHing at large any time soon-- at the very least nothing Big. Nothing I'll need to invest too much of myself in. I'm focusing my time on writing and getting healthier: emotionally and physically.
Thank you again for all the kindness, and I'm sorry if I worried you all.
-Cobbles
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