I love this idea, for the record.
I'm picturing some ancient, leathery vampire like Viktor from Underworld who is responsible for protecting a teenaged girl in 2019.
Vampire: "My servants have explained to me that you have been conversing with a MONSTR54RAD4423 that you'd met on a CHIVE. This boy has not been presented to me-"
TEEN: "Ohhh. Emm. Geee. Really?!?! For one, you need to know what Chive is, but double-u-tee-H, Vladamir went through my iPhone??? This is some bullsh-"
I would play this forever.
<INCOMING TEXT FROM RADICALPERSON12> Greetings, I enjoy your profile very much. By chance are you using this profile to send sext messagers to your peers?
<Return Text> GOD DAMNIT, RADU ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SPYING ON ME ON TINDER?
<INCOMING TEXT FROM RADICALPERSON12> I disapprove of your use of language and will end this correspondence with the expressed hope that you learn the error of your behaviors and seek to woo prospective matches with grace, poise, and many fewer bikini self photographs. I know no such Radu. My name is Stephen.
<INCOMING TEXT FROM CHARMINGBOY68332> Greetings! I very much disprove of rude people. I have noble family in Bucharest. Would you like to court?
<Return Text> STOOOOOOOOOPPPPP PLEASE