@Darinelle said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
@Auspice - Dilaudid is the best hour of "is this what it feels like to not be in pain" ever. EVER.
It really is. It made the hospital stay bearable because, ugh, NGTs suck. Without the dilaudid, I was just experiencing high levels of both pain and discomfort.
Ike is only like this with cheesy things. No cheese? She couldn't care less. But she got her nickname 'Noodle' because she once snuck over a friend's shoulder, chomped a noodle in their bowl of fettuccini alfredo, and ran off with it in her mouth.
@surreality said in RL things I love:
@Auspice D'aww!
She really just wanted the cheese.
This cat is a cheese addict. If it's got cheese, she wants it.
Pest as she is, I am so glad to have this cat back in my life: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQOtk_Jji91/
Dilaudid was... yeah, it'd be dangerous if I had more access to it. It got me through my days in the hospital, mind you. However... I didn't have any negatives (well, OK, I did puke pretty much immediately after they gave it to me one time). I'd have like, thirty seconds of 'oh god I feel weird' and then a while of being dopey/drowsy or actually sleeping.
But then... morphine just makes me feel like I'm on fire (that's it. I just feel my veins burning and no pain relief, no happy-fun-time in my head) and it's not like they could feed me pills.
I've never had addiction issues. I smoked for a couple years due to job stress. The day I quit that job, I stopped. Every so often, if I'm out drinking or I'm super anxious, I might want a cigarette, but, for example, it's been... 8? months or so since I last had one.
...but dilaudid would come close. Just because oh dear god, if I had something like that I could take on the days where my legs hurt... my life would be so much better.
@Derp said in General Video Game Thread:
Do I need one? None of the current instructions mention one. I have a Lenovo Y70, so I'm not sure? Did you require one?
I didn't see- what type of controller did you get? The 360 controller, you had to get a separate PC adapter to use wirelessly. The XBox 1, I believe, cannot be used wirelessly on PC (not from what I've read).
Thankfully, Xanax doesn't do that to me. tbh, the only thing that'd keep me in the boat of 'only take as needed' is it knocks me on my ass. I have to lie down and sleep and that's on half a pill.
But there are days where I wish I had a 'script again. Because the anxiety gets so bad I get severe chest pains. Being able to take something that'd relax me into sleep would be glorious.
@Wretched It was about three weeks and then there was a month of feeling unstable, but there was a lot of shit going on in my life at the time, too (like finding a place to live, ugh). So I know those few weeks were def. the wellbutrin.
I had a lot of the other side effects, too. Increased acne, for one. And a metallic taste in my mouth, for two. But after a month, month and a half, it all cleared up.
I don't get really bad withdraw when I miss a dose (tho I usually, that evening, go 'oh shit I forgot to take it that's why I've been emotionally miserable today). I was on Effexor at one time and if I missed a dose... within the hour I'd have migraines and vertigo so bad I couldn't function.
Most anti-depressants have no effect on me at all. I think it's because so many now focus on boosting seratonin... the Wellbutrin, tho, is a blocker. And those def. work better (as a teenager, I was on one called ascendin... It managed both my OCD and depression, but then it stopped being available in the US).
And like @Ghost says... It's a treatment. I don't see it as an addictive or gateway thing. Hell, I smoke less weed now than I did before it. Drink less, too. To me, the wellbutrin is the same as the meds for my blood pressure, thyroid... it keeps me healthy and alive and there's no shame in it.
I have Reasons to not buy a new mattress at this time (the top of which being 'I can't afford shit'), but a memory foam is def. on the list when I do.
The lack of sleep is catching up to me, tho. Like, bad. It's affecting work. I've felt sick, even though I know it's just exhaustion.
It may be time to go to the doctor and ask for a month or two of ambien (thankfully, I'm not one of the people who gets any side effects from it).
I finally got Project Highrise (thanks, Humble Monthly Bundle!) and it's awesome. Mind you, I loved Sim Tower, so there is a source of my love. But srsly, Project Highrise is a great 'just gonna chill and drink some vodka and see how many people I can crowd in around these shitty fast food restaurants' game.
Ahem.
Been finally playing Mass Effect 1. All other attempts have been stymied by things outside my control. I've finished ME2 before, but I'm trying for that continual save thing (I know I could just download one, but I want my own, dagnabbit!).
Been into Skyrim Remastered (but, I mean, Skyrim). Uh... playing SWtOR again. Trying to resist the lure back to ESO. I think after Mass Effect, I'll be starting on Bioshock (never finished 1, never finished 2, and my divorce sort of stalled all progress on Infinite).
I do play Rocket League with my buddies from time to time and if I'm feeling particularly masochistic, I'll boot up The Division.
I was told, by a friend who was on the same meds, that the three weeks of adaptation to the meds (wellbutrin) would be the worst weeks of my life. He said it was like a rollercoaster, but the lows... I think he worded it: 'If you thought things got bad before, they don't come close to how hard it gets.'
He wasn't wrong. Those three weeks were bleak. I didn't get suicidal, but I was more miserable than I have any recollection of ever being.
It was worth it. I feel so, so much better than I did before the meds. My mind is clearer. I've been able to enjoy things again. I don't find myself in that grey place of 'I won't kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if I just didn't wake up tomorrow.'
I'm guessing they recommended drugs in the anti-depressant sense? Because lack of interest/motivation/enjoyment, esp. in things that used to inspire it is practically the #1 symptom of depression.
I am curious and I apologize if I'm crossing a line to ask- how would taking an anti-depressant be an issue for an attorney?
Years ago, at a job, myself and someone else had to test a bunch of dongles to be sent out to people throughout the company. We're talking a couple hundred of the things.
..the word 'dongle' was slipped into conversation as often as humanly possible.
Not gonna delete the post. But also not gonna lie - I did jump on in a panic of 'oh god is everyone going to tell me that it doesn't matter what's wrong with me that I'm still a bad person for continuing to MU*?'
Anxiety is sometimes the worst. Like, I know some (many?) of us have anxiety plus other things, but I feel even for those with just anxiety. It is a terrible beast.
Thank you, all of you. It's been eating at me to share that because... it's terrifying to share, but I also know (because my therapist has impressed it upon me) that if I do, it may help people to understand. Like 'oh, maybe Auspice wasn't being a dick that day. Maybe she legit couldn't tell I wasn't in a good mood.'
And @Catsmeow - those moments are tough. I'm sorry. But I promise, I can understand the weariness. I've had days here lately where I'll just pass out asleep at random because fibro and insomnia make for exhaustion.
Double post, but...
I've been hemming and hawing over posting this. I fear the stigma that may come of it. But what if I'm not the only one in this spot? What if, by posting, I can help someone feel like they're not alone?
I don't know. I may come back and delete this in a fit of anxious horror in the morning.
I've been on my own mental health path. It hasn't been easy, but it never is. And in all that analyzation and evaluations and so on with doctors, my therapist... I've been told that I'm on the spectrum.
The biggest way this affects my life in the realm of social interactions is... well, I don't get social interactions. Most of what I 'know' is by mimicry. I couldn't explain why we do X or say Y, I just know it's what everyone does. I cannot 'read' tone or body language. I don't always get metaphors and I take most things literally. I'll say things that come across as embarrassing innuendo to everyone else. I've been mocked, in the past, for being "too dumb" to realize someone was insulting me.
There was a mention the other day in... Random Bitching, I think? about how emoticons are often used... sarcastically, was it? That they don't mean what they should when most people use them now. That fucking terrifies me because half the time, the emoticon is the only way I can figure out the intention or tone of something someone's said.
My therapist has been pushing that I need to communicate... my communication issues. That I need to learn to ask people to help me out. Such as clarifying something on the short-term, or say, asking an RL friend to be direct and not rely on subtext or body language. A good example is... If someone tells me 'We'll RP this weekend,' I used to not schedule or engage in any other RP (on that game). Period. I've spent many weekends just waiting around until Monday hits and I finally ask what happened. 'Oh, I had other scenes I had to finish up.' So now, I'll touch base: 'Hey, I know you said we'd RP this weekend. Bob is asking me if I want to RP- will you be available in the next couple hours, or shall I go ahead and RP with him?'
I do it for clarification in-scene, too. 'Hey, did this part of your pose mean X, Y, or something else I'm completely missing?'
I'm getting better at it, but I still get incredibly anxious sometimes. At least online, if an anxiety attack comes along... I can get up, walk away, and recover. Can't do that, IRL Someday I hope to have the anxiety under control enough that I do feel more confident at in-person interactions and asking for clarification when needed.
So there's my bit. The dirty secret I've been holding for over half a year now. I've read back over it and I think... I communicated decently well. I'm going to stop second-guessing it all, hit Submit, and go to bed.
Learning to walk away and leave things be has been one of the hardest parts of my own path. I used to push, to keep trying to make things better, because I'd be terrified that if I backed off... they'd never reach out.
And that might happen. Maybe because the friendship was one-sided in the first place. Maybe because whatever happened is utterly irreparable in their eyes.
So I've been learning to walk. To apologize if the air seems right or to just give space if things seem too strained.
Sometimes those folks will never reach out. Sometimes you just have to square up and keep moving forward.
