Thanks to the kind guidance of people here I was able to slip edgelord into a comment to one of my teens as they were trash talking with friends over Xbox. (Their headset is broken so it was just the room mic/speaker. ) so I got to hear silence for a few minutes and then an adolescent voice say "Whoa...was that your /mom/?!?"
Mission accomplished!
Generally people on mushes as a whole are not going to be a safe place for you to unload or express yourself fully in the moment of upset. I do think people who run into problems a lot fail to realize or accept this. And it is by no means limited to people who struggle with social cues; people who can function in public settings or at work or when they want to make a good impression can and do explode into tantrums, threats (against others, against the game, self-harm) on games because they lose sight of that (and the fact that other people are dealing with it, not just the computer).
I think people need to be careful about what they assume another player's attraction RL is,tbh. Especially now.
I am bi, though I've been married to a man for many years. But I often find that I have dated and been in more relationships with women than the person who is most vocal about policing how I played a character of mine that was pretty much only interested in women. Which is fine? Nobody needs to have experience to identify who you're attracted to. But you cannot also exclude other people and their experience just because it is not as pure or different than yours.
I hate to break it to people but the LGBTQ community and how/if they date and live their lives are not a monolith, just like the straight community. I really with we could do away with the purity tests. I do think it is human nature for people to be extremely vicious with their own community, especially online, and I think unfortunately mushing triggers a lot more online type of behaviors in that regard than not.
You say that. But for many people it is a stretch. Some people in my life seem to believe that my kid having basic human rights or the ability to express their gender is antithetical to their religion and is destroying our country. They make an exception for my kid in their heart perhaps but they are very vocal about wanting laws to exclude "people like that."
I just can't take it anymore.
But its not always about big things like that. There are others in my life that I have backed away from (and again, have they noticed, I doubt it, because they're not thinking of me or anything I might have said over the years, right now it's more important to them to exclude or deny my experience rather than acknowledge it, I think probably because that is how THEY are dealing with their own uncertainty or anger.) We agree on 98+ percent of things but I can no longer have the stress of them screaming that what I do/have done is "useless" or "doesn't matter" or is just "helping the corrupt evil people who are all the same no matter what." They simply are not interested in my perspective or the smaller/local stuff that is having a large impact in my community, because expressing their rage and disdain for the whole national group is more important. They really do not care how that might feel to me. They have their priorities.
It doesnt mean that I care for them less, but when someone calls you evil and just as bad as the othe evil people but oh no I wasnt talking about you personally, but why can't you pure like me, at this time in my life similarly I just cannot. It hurts, its endlessly frustrating, it makes me want to lash out right back in a similar way, which doesn't solve anything and I dont get off on it like they sure seem to. I think there are people like that in every advocacy group or viewpoint.
But I am so fucking tired and am doing the best I can to survive my own sadness and despair that I really sometimes can't take on yet another person who needs to sharpen their claws on me. Even though we agree on most things, sometimes the things that we do not, while minor and especially in impersonal conversations are so...rigid, I guess, that it really is not worth talking about because i am tired of them talking down to me, even when i am sure it is not intentional.
I am tired. So I just back off/mute/hide notifications until I can't, and then I distance. I no longer engage.
I think a lot of people are very tired, especially when we are dealing with pandemic disruptions on top of all of that.
I think it is great if you never have to distance yourself from anyone you disagree with. For swaths of my life off and on I have been able to do the same, and I still have some pretty wild diversity in my friends and the people I love. I do think there is a large number of people though that are just /done/ and tired right now though. I'm not really expecting anyone to understand it who doesnt feel it, but I think it's a thing.
It's been a really long time that the vast majority of my RP, when I could get it, has been largely the kind where I feel am largely a speed bump for someone else to get a nice little bit of air to break up their zooming off to a more interesting agenda item, or like I might as well not been there at all, since my presence while marginally required, wasn't really desired and would not have been missed if I wasn't. I mean everyone has scenes like that once in awhile, but it's been kind of a morale killing constant for me for quite some time now. At least until the last week or two, when I've had a number of scenes now that were low pressure even though there might have been IC tension in the scene, delightful regardless of the core of the emotion/happenings in the scene, and most importantly people seemed interested in actually RPing with me rather than /at/ me. I think I've mentioned to the folks involved how wonderful I found playing with them to be. I wish I could say it over and over again without being weird. And it probaby would be weird since a lot of them are people that honestly I have not really RPed with much before, or who I hadn't at all, in addition to folks that I know well. It is nice to have more times when MUSHing gets to be a fun escape/immersing myself into another world with a scene partner(s) who really seemed to enjoy my company too. When mushing hits that sweet spot, there's really nothing like it.
When I write stories (single author, just me) I understand that any risks I take or mistakes in representation are my responsibility. Maybe I'll choose to channel my inner edgelord, which I do sometimes, maybe I won't, but that's a decision I get to make. If I then put that up for public consumption, then I'm also signing on to criticism.
If I as a middle-aged biracial-but-white-passing-for-the-most-part lady decide that I'm going to write a story centered around a black family who grabs their bootstraps to come up in society and finds shelter with a kind MAGA family who helps them to see that really if they would stop seeing color they'd finally find success and wealth, and then I decide to publish it and then cry loudly about how the black cultural community center won't let me hold a reading there and nobody seems interested in my tale of how they can improve themselves--I mean maybe I should have expected that, a little. My creativity wasn't impinged at all--I already wrote what I wanted to. It's just that not everyone liked it. I'm sure there'd be plenty of other people who would be happy to give me a platform to whine about reverse racism, even. Well, maybe I'd have a better shot if I was hot or something.
You don't get to make people like your content. You don't even get to accept that they have to accept it. (just like some people reject any notion of "sensitivity".)
If you want to create Realistic Historical Mush and want to include rape/human trafficking/slavery/racism/genocide, I mean no one is going to stop you, you might find less of an audience than you want (or you don't like the audience that shows up for it because they think it's lame they don't get to do those things elsewhere--even if it wasn't a focus for your vision, many people will steer clear and other people will come FOR the fact that you proclaim that 'historical accuracy without modern sensibilities' is a point of pride).
If you decide to create a character on a mush that doesn't allow people to create prostitute/pimp characters or any reference to that sort of thing, and that's made very clear, it's not stifling your creativity to not allow you to be the only exception or to find a workaround. If anything, if you really have trouble stepping out of your pimp/prostitute rut, maybe it will inspire more creativity as you need to think outside of your usual box. And if you can't or don't want to, that's okay! Nothing wrong with wanting to play a pimp/prostitute, IMO. You just need to find a place where it's supported.
I find a lot of people I have personally seen on mushes in particular who balk at "stifling my creativity" are more wanting to not have to abide by the rules laid out by the mush. Or in the case of writing in general they don't like hearing about other people's anger/discomfort/hurt at how they might have chosen to wrote something. But that is kind of a risk one takes when one takes their private writings for their own edification/enjoyment and sends them forth for other people to consume.
Social tastes change. I can see it even in my own tastes in music/humor/ect. Julie Brown's Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun and several of her other songs are nostalgic and super funny to me, but understandably probably pretty not so funny to people younger than me or who grew up in different circumstances especially in the era of school mass shootings, and victims being harassed for being deep state false flag actors. It wasn't until I started watching films from the 80s that I loved as a kid with my own now late teens/young adult kids that I realized how rapey many of them were (or even stuff from the 60s and 70s). What was considered fine in the 90s is different than today, when it comes to cultural content in roleplaying games largely written for and by white people. I assume that things will be even more different when my youngest kid (now 6) is in his 20s.
Also: thank fucking God for a setting where it makes total sense to have 5 strip clubs, high end restaurants, churches, multiple entertainment venues within spitting distance almost all the time, where there are famous people and street people running around. And people from all over the world in and out instead of wondering why every other person you run into is an accented exotic busty catlike grace ninja person in this little teeny town. 
Holeeeeeee fuck, my youngest is potty trained!!! No more changing diapers ever. I hope .
Sadly stalking isn't a big deal to a lot of people. When I explained some stalking and harassment that happened to me and was scaring me at my business, I was told to "adult more" if I wanted to be a business owner and btw was I sure I wasnt just being too sensitive? Wouldnt want to besmirch that person's reputation if I'd just misinterpreted his actions. That really shocked and hurt me but it should not have really given what we have historically tolerated in behavior on games.
This is why I really have very little trust in our community's willingness to really deal with problems until a game runner proves otherwise, and I operate on the expectation that they will always err on the side of people who harass or have that history until it is too bad to ignore.
Roddenberry already has, like 30+ years ago.
I’m sympathetic that this is shocking to many men and the individuals are to some women, but I’ll be blunt.
Every woman in your life probably isn’t shocked at this concept nor at its broad scope.
And I’m sorry to break it to you, but every industry is this bad.
I have seen destructive and bad actors on one game do just fine on another. I’ve seen that a lot in fact, prior to people finding out who’s who and looking for things then. There are even people who would have made the Forever Unwelcome list 15 years ago who have integrated just fine back into the community.
So much of people’s behavior can be very influenced by the culture, stress level, and expectations on a place. If staff is constantly shittalking and badmouthing people on what they think are semi-private channels, then honestly they’re really not going to notice a problem player doing it. If there is a culture with a certain person or group of people being able to make “just kidding” mean comments, or snapping at people oocly, or harassing people non-sexually about rp events, then it’s not going to stick out when more people try it. It’s been amazing to me personally to see how differently many people behave when there are differing standards. They may have RP tells and the same ooc stories that you’ve heard before, but somewhere where problematic behavior is not dismissed or coddled, and they test it and find it to be true, most people will contain themselves.
Yes, there are a (very) few people who genuinely cannot control their toxicity. But they’re few and far between, and what does a game in is seldom one person, but a culture that allows piss poor behavior too often until some event breaks the camel’s back.
I think in our hobby we obsess too much about rooting out The Bad Actors. I think more problems would be solved by addressing problem behaviors immediately, no matter who is doing them or why they’re happening. But that is a super big ask, and we’ve seldom been great at it.
@derp When I described predatory and disturbing stalking behavior that happened to me at my business you told me that I should not rush to judgment as to his intent and that I should worry that I might ruin a good man with my fears.
That is what "educating women about how to protect themselves" often devolves into.
TFW when you briefly click on the webpage between work deliveries by habit and dont expect a response to your personal secret thing but then there is and you read it and even though you-player are kind of dumb and do not know exactly how to tie into the plot you are reading and it is so crazy awesome aaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeee response and you are just mentally shrieking and jumping up and down like a little kid inside------AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEOMFG
I heard back from him, and it is very clear that he is super excited and happy and probably a little in shock too, as he had no clue I existed. I will admit that I had never considered that possibility, even though I know in the era of 1950s-70s adoption there was no such thing as requirements for birthfather consent or notification in many areas. (in fact that was not really uniform until closer to the 90s). We have been messaging back and forth, apparently his kids and wife and the nieces and nephews that noticed me on the site are all extremely excited too, though we will see how things settle once the shock starts to wear off. But he seems happy, stable, ect, so that is a good thing. And I have the name of my biological mother now too. So back to the waiting for rejection game there. I have been walking around for the last 6 hours or so in a state of shock. Almost 30 years of combing through microfiche, looking at records, ect...and it's a DNA place that finds it--more than 3 years after I took the test. I am so thankful, given that he had no clue, that it wasn't a bad situation for him.
I am having so much fun crafting again. And it looks like people are enjoying what I make (which is like the best thing ever!!). I am having to pace myself because this creative burst means that I'm working on a bunch more stuff to put up in my shop in a few days, if I can wait that long. (I am super horrible about shit like that, I love immediate gratification). And now my head is exploding with more ideas than I have time (game code or otherwise) to do. After a few months of being kinda down and blue about stuff it's a lot of fun again!
I got my eldest moved in to his college apt/dorm today and didn't cry until after I was back on the road home!
White people's ignorance/policing of black and brown people's hair is a huge issue. Like a very sore point issue, and understandably so. (And yes, before anyone whatabouts, I'm very aware that within the community there's often policing going on too).
I think this point is lost on a lot of people when they think they're going in for "simple" debate about well these non-black people had dreads/braids tooooooooo.
When I did therapeutic foster care/emergency placement, it was horrifying how many times in all the trainings/updates and even in talking with some people who I did respite care for, you would hear white people bitching about how to care for curly hair properly, or would just...butcher the kids' hair without permission to make it easy for themselves. It makes me sick to think about, really. One foster carer in particular I will never forget when she was mocking/annoyed at a grandma at visitation bursting into tears to see the her granddaughter with a shaved head because they didn't get what was the big deal was, since they didn't know how to care for the child's longer hair and it "looked bad" anyway. This was a metro area foster care agency that had a lot of kids of all races, and even some native American kids. The person leading the training just laughed along, and commiserated with dealing with picky bio families. I hope things have gotten better since then (this was decades ago).
Came into work today with an inbox full of nice notes and well wishes since word has apparently gotten out beyond my branch that tomorrow is my last day. Not regretting leaving at all, and new job will start on Monday, but it is nice to know that peolle enjoyed working with me.
If you want to find a place to play, and are feeling down because you can't connect on the games you have tried, due to timing or whatever, it's okay to just ask for that support.
There really is not a need to extrapolate and carastrophize to OMG HOBBY IS DYING. Just like if you are struggling on an individual game with finding a place or consistency in RP it probably will not gain you anything by going on pub and saying THERE IS NO RP ON THIS GAME NOBODY IS DOING ANYTHING WHY AM I EVEN HERE.
But as mushing is full of people who really can't ask for help without making it a big deal of the hobby/other people failing, i do think this is why this conversation comes up frequently and has in the last 26 years I've been mushing.
The hobby has been on its last legs since the 90s. I am sure that at some point it will be replaced when everyone just jacks into the cybersphere and can have the full experience of being whoever they want for a couple of hours, cheaply. Until then there will always be a subset. Yeah a lot of us are dying out of middle and old age people diseases and health issues. But i have also RPed with players in the last couple of years who are young enough to be my kids, and more than one as well. And I have yet to play any game in the last 10 years where I did not meet many people that I'd never rped or met before.
I do not think it's growing, but im not sure why it would or needs to. I do wish there was an easily accessible list with no commentary, since I think places like msb can and do create issues for good games due to hyping up expectations or sometimes problems, but that will always be with as as well.
OMFG I got reassigned to a different age group (after I was asked), since that is where the center needed the stable coverage. So instead of preschoolers (who i love), I get to play and cuddle babies and young toddlers all day (People who know me RL also know that this puts me over the moon!!!) I think my stress level just went down again.