Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff
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Mostly I'm writing this because it didn't really fit into @Catsmeow thread. That's more of the physical health. This more along the lines of mental well-being and how to take care of one's self. Although some of may be completely stable, normal human beings with few hangups and luckily enough have a decent and sensible head on their shoulders and some may have their own issues they struggle with every day and most simply don't know.
Speaking for myself, and this has been a very long time in coming(years, even), I've realized that I need to work on me, myself. And for the longest of time, again, years, I thought these were problems I could deal with on my own. That I didn't really need help, the belief that I had them completely under control. Turns out I don't, or maybe I never did. And I couldn't say what started it all. Come from a middle class(when we used to have a middle class)family, grew up in a rural area, so I like to think that it had nothing to do with my upbringing.
Even as I sit here and type this, at 34 years of age, I can feel myself starting to get angry at the belief that this should not be an issue. That I'm old enough that I shouldn't worry about this sort of thing. So why do I feel the way that I do about various things? Now, I'm not going to self-diagnose myself since I think we do too much of that(like staring at WebMD and believing you have cancer), but after talking to enough people, asking for honest opinions and the niggling prick at the back of my head I've had for years leads me to believe I've had a certain degree of depression my entire life. The constant self-doubt, the feelings of not being 'good enough' and the continual sense that I'm 'being a bother' or that I'm simply not living up to other people's expectations. Or that I'm simply not worth it. Doubt, self-esteem, things like that.
My fiance tells me this is something I should've been treated for ages ago(I also wish I had her ability to pick up and drop RPing and not care), and I guess she came to the opinion that I'll face it when I'm ready to do so. So that's where I'm at now, trying to move forward from there. And it has bled into my MU life more than I'd like to admit. That you want to be 'worth another RPers time' or have some kind of sense of belonging or trying not to have that feeling that you're just not good enough for you or your character to be interesting to others. And the more I focused on that, the worse I seemed to get. Always feel like having to say 'sorry' during pages because you feel like you've said too much or you're spamming someone or you're afraid they don't want to talk to you. The list goes on, really.
It all seems silly, reading this back to myself. That I should just be able to 'grow up' or not let it bother me or have fun for me and not anyone else. And I know that and I tell myself that all the time. I just don't know why I can't let myself do just that, and I want to. But I think that now that I've finally admitted these things to myself and to a greater audience at large, I can try to get better. Improve on not just myself from beyond the computer and the MUs, but be able to do so within them as well. I was willing to ignore a lot in the name of a lot of things, but I can't do that anymore.
And now that I've talked about myself enough for these things, there is another actual point to the thread. Being that what other people do help themselves when it comes to mental health. Whether it's seeking advice, council, even medication or things along those lines. Because at this point, I don't know if I could afford seeing a therapist or medication, so I've been doing what I can to read up on things to help myself. It's a far better than just ignoring it and thinking I'm fine. And maybe what worked for someone else will work for me.
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Sometimes there is something underneath the problem you think you have.
I thought I had depression. Turns out I have anxiety which eventually gives you depression.
Anti-depression meds only worked so so, anti-anxiety meds were like night and day.
I have a waggish sense of humor.
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Hey man, I've made no secret of having gone through what I have - I'm diagnosed with social anxiety, major depressive disorder, and PTSD. If you don't have the money to seek treatment and any necessary drugs, there are resources online if you google something along the lines of 'free mental health care' and the like, that may be able to provide assistance. I would start there if you don't have good enough (or no) insurance coverage.
I do want to clear up one of your notions, though - you say that this isn't about physical health, but actually, it is. Keep in mind what's going on with you is chemical. It's happening in your brain, which is an organ in your body. And even beyond that, your mental health has an effect on the rest of your body and your ability to self-care.
Basically, to summarize Veronica Mars, a diabetic is not stigmatized for their insulin, you should not be hassled or feel upset about what you need to make yourself well. All that's different is the organ that's malfunctioning.
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the best way to stay healthy is to turn all of your problems into jokes for strangers to laugh at on the internet and finding comfort in mutual feelings of despair
memes are our only salvation from the horror of existence
trust me im a doctor irl
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There are times when the road is unfun, much like any health care. The adaptation to the meds sucked hardcore. Some of the things my therapist has made me face have sucked.
But over all? It's been good. I feel better. I feel lighter. I still need, eventually, meds for my anxiety, but even the anxious episodes can be handled easier now that the depression is under control.
It's not a weakness to get help. Hokey as it sounds, I think it's a strength to seek help. It's easy to shove your head under a rock and go 'LA LA LA I'M FINE.' It's hard to sit down with someone you don't know and open up to them. But I adore my therapist (and as mentioned above: low-cost can be found. My therapist has worked out a lower cost for me and will still see me even when I can't afford that) and I find myself often looking forward to my appointments with her.
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@Misadventure This thought has crossed my mind a few times. And I feel like the case me something the same or at least similar to my own.
I've been told by friends who have likewise situations that getting on some kind of medication is like two different things.
It would be nice to not have to worry about everything all the time.
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Just be open to the idea that it may not be simple or obvious. Of course, it might be.
I hope you get a good sense of progress from a course you choose. Some folks take many tries to find the right solution for them.
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I think for starts, for right now, I may start writing a blog. If only to put my thoughts down onto.
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An update.
I realized today that I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do when it comes to MUs. I had a breakdown today. It's something I'm not going to go into detail about, but there was a lot, well, it was messy.
I need to start taking steps. Small ones, slow ones, to try and better myself. I could not do so while on the game that I play on. It has gone past a degree of escapism and turned into something else. Something worse. To fixate and try to replace things in my own life with a fictional fake.
This was bred out of anxiety, depression, self-doubt, anger, jealousy and it all bled from my real life into my MU life. All the things we hate to admit we do and can sometimes be on MUs, I was and have been many of them. And it needs to stop. Today. Because I can't do this anymore. I can't take the tightness in my chest.
I write my feelings down here, raw, unedited. Because I want others to know, there is a particular dark side to letting escapism become some much more and so much worse than an idle hobby. And I don't want to be that person that people here look to and say '..ew'.
I'm not well. I know I'm not. And it ends at this point. I may of written about trying to get better in posts previous, but I have stepped away from the game. I has asked to be IP blocked from the game for at least two weeks for my own sake.
I'm looking up therapists tomorrow. Not to be able to go back and RP. But because I want to get better. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling like this. I need to fix it, or I will never be happy. And eventually, I will of pushed everyone I care about away because of it.
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I feel like this is more becoming my own personal blog on my mental health than an actual thread devoted to how people take care of themselves.
I made an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist.
I've been told that that's one of the hardest steps.
MUSH-free since 02/2017
This may or may not change in the future.
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@Monogram said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
I've been told that that's one of the hardest steps.
It is.
It is difficult for me to respond because I believe everyone is different. What may work for me probably will not work for the next person. And I don't want to post something that sounds condescending or belittling. My partner suffers from some mental health issues, and is currently under the sort of stress that triggers her constantly.
Me, I'm a brick. I'm a goddamn brick. When I get stressed, I work out. And I work out persistently. I play video games. I watch TV. I go and get a drink or two. But I'm a brick, and, because I'm a brick, I think people would characterize me as "stable." And maybe I am.
But I just am. I have no trick to it. It's how I am, and, I suppose, that means, relative to others, I don't suffer from mental health issues.
“It is better to live doing the things that you like. It is foolish to live within this dream of a world seeing unpleasantness and doing only things that you do not like.” -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo.
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@Ganymede said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
But I just am. I have no trick to it. It's how I am, and, I suppose, that means, relative to others, I don't suffer from mental health issues.
Exactly. It would be like saying to a diabetic: "I can eat all the sugar I want and not have any problems. That's just how I am." Well yeah... because you're not a diabetic. Some diabetics can control their sugar through diet. Some need pills. Some need insulin. Everyone's different. I think it's great that @Monogram is taking steps to get well.
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@Monogram said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
I made an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist.
I've been told that that's one of the hardest steps.
It is. But it is worth it, I promise you. And if the therapist you find doesn't click for you, don't be discouraged! I had actually tried therapy a few years prior to my current with someone who didn't work at all, and my only regret is that I didn't try to get help a second time sooner than I did.
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Benefit of some health plan: six free visits to a counselor (mental health, nutritionist, financial) a year, best used to shop around for someone you WORK well with.
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I've been told that CBT and medication will work well for me. I don't know much about it yet, my girlfriend said it was called 'cognitive behavioral therapy'. Apparently it works well. It's like, how was it described to me, relearning how to process and think things through.
Also, thank to everyone for the advice. I'm not going to assume too much, but it's nice to have a support structure. I appreciate it all.
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Cognitive behavioral therapy is a good route. They'll probably also prescribe you an SSRI, but you'll be referred to a psychiatrist first.
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Day 3.
I'm working on building a desk, that's in literally 30 pieces which will then be put towards the PC we're starting to build(a Corsair Obsidian series tower, I'm told is very pretty).
Having tasks to do, things to do helps. The meeting with my therapist went well, in a sort of 'meet and greet' sort of way. Didn't really start any actual therapy, more of a 'hey how you doing, let's discuss what's wrong and what we're going to do about it'.
She's going to have me see an psychiatrist at some point so I can get perscription, some friends have told me Zoloft.
Though a friend mine gave me a 20mg pill of Ativan, told me to break it into four 5gm doses to 'try and help'. Though another friend said this was probably a really bad idea to do, no matter how much it made me feel...shit, I can't even describe the sensation of not having any weight on my chest felt like it.
I wish I knew why talking to people on the internet was so much harder than doing in person. Seems like that's an oddity.
But, trying to keep myself occupied. It'd be nice to have a decent PC though. Since everyone I know plays via steam and I'm trapped with my XB1/PS4. Though I wish I had some kind of old wooden thing to work on. I did love taking old wood tables or benches and refinishing them when I had the tools to do it.
The pull to jump back into the game is strong. I ask other people how the game is, and I'm told 'fine' or 'There's always big things happening, don't worry about it'. I know this is intentional. I didn't realize what I was asking, just making conversation until I thought about it later. Kind of makes one appreciate your friends more for that.
MUSH-free since 02/2017
This may or may not change in the future.
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@Monogram said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
Though a friend mine gave me a 20mg pill of Ativan, told me to break it into four 5gm doses to 'try and help'. Though another friend said this was probably a really bad idea to do...
Yeah, taking other peoples' prescriptions is a Bad Idea (besides being illegal in most if not all states). Apart from the risk of getting the dosage wrong or having unforseen side effects without a physician's monitoring, there's a risk of medication interactions. Some medicines (including some antidepressants) need a 'taper on / taper off' period so stopping/starting suddenly can mess you up. Others can stay in your system and muck up the real drugs that your doctor may later give you.
</end public service announcement>
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@faraday I suppose I would call it a moment of desperation. For a couple of hours where I wanted some kind of normalcy. But I can see how that leads to an extremely slippery slope.
I don't plan on doing so again. Not after being asked not to by a friend.
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@Monogram said in Mental Health and Grown Up Stuff:
I'm working on building a desk, that's in literally 30 pieces which will then be put towards the PC we're starting to build(a Corsair Obsidian series tower, I'm told is very pretty).
This, this, this. While it's not traditional advice, I really cannot overstate the value in doing things with your hands, especially things with visible progress of some kind.
It is more help than you will ever imagine it could be. It could be painting miniatures or woodwork or knitting or whatever else, really. The end result being a useful object isn't always necessary, even if it is a great cherry on top sometimes. The doing and the progress, though, that's weirdly 'big'.
Oh fucking well.
