RL Anger

[Paris]

I believe the issue is this:

@derp said in RL Anger:

@tinuviel said in RL Anger:

Yet more "don't get raped" rather than "don't rape." Charming.

You know, I honestly do not understand why this sentiment is problematic.
[...]

And arguably this:

If stern rebukes were an effective deterrent we would have been doing that already.

Since there is a fuckload more that can be done about it and none of it is. Instead it's 'don't do this' and 'don't do that', and in many cases where this and that are not done, someone gets raped anyway.

[AeriaNyx]

@Derp
The issue I have with your comments is that it comes across as condescending. Like... Jeez little lady, you should really know better! And again, it cannot be overstated, that putting the onus on the victim is freaking ridiculous. Women know that they are in danger. We are taught this from an extremely young age. And culturally? The divide between our expectations from children of one gender or the other is staggering.

For instance:
When little boys fight, or misbehave, or pick on little girls, what is the most common refrain? Boys will be boys! Oh, he's only being mean to her because he likes her! That's cute! Seriously, how effed up is that?? From an extremely young age, girls are conditioned to associate cruelty with affection/attraction. That is seriously effed up.

Girls are expected to be calmer, quieter, more socially savvy, mature and demure. School dress codes -- omg do not even get me started on those. Telling girls that they can't wear crop tops, or spaghetti straps or skirts that are too short? The reasoning? That it is 'distracting'. Fuck. Off. It is not a girl's problem if others are distracted by their bodies. Put the responsibility on the people who act inappropriately towards a girl instead of telling her that she is the cause of her own victimization. It is not a woman's responsibility to cover herself so that she does not draw the eye of men! That sets it up as though the man has no control over his baser impulses. That is insulting to everyone.

Telling a woman she has to "be smart" and restrict her own ability to enjoy herself to the same amount as anyone else is shameful. Women are already on their guard. It's time to understand male privilege and start working towards honest equality.

[Paris]

@aerianyx It's also galling because quite a few of what women (and other vulnerable groups) are told not to do are normal social activities in normal social spheres-- well, I guess they're only 'normal' for non-minority able-bodied straight bros.

[TNP]

Think it's important to remember that this isn't an either/or situation. The problem can and should be approached from multiple angles.

[Aria]

So, I'm going to be frank here. This thread? This thread right here? Is a cause of my RL Anger right now. And it's not because of the fact that this subject makes me uncomfortable. As a woman, as a feminist, and as someone who has been assaulted more than once -- and really, it's telling that I divide my most serious experiences into 'assault' and write off things that are very much assault, like the number of times I have been unwillingly groped at a concert as 'not even worth discussing' -- this arguments and these points that everyone is making are a simple fact of my daily life.

Yeah. Yeah, read that again. My daily life, because there are literally aspects of my everyday routine that pretty much revolve around the idea of "Don't wanna get raped today! Today's not gonna be that day (again)."

This thread makes me angry because I have had to have this argument over, and over, and over, and fucking over. It is frustrating. It is exhausting. And it is like beating your head into a brick wall and wondering why your head is bleeding and the bricks are perfectly fucking fine.

And thanks to so much of our national -- nay, global -- discourse at the moment (don't worry, Ark, I'm not going to get specific enough for it delve into full blown politics) means that I have see this shit come up everywhere, from almost everyone, and I would like to have at least one teeny, tiny sliver of my life, even just one of my hobbies, where I don't have to listen to a heated debated about some useless cockstain that can't won't keep his goddamn hands and his dick to himself.

I am so over this argument.

And yet I don't get to be. Because again, this is my daily life.

So here's where it's at, kids.

As far as I am concerned, a woman should be able to dance the conga naked down Broadway and not have anyone lay a finger on her without her consent. But in no way, shape, or form do I believe that a woman can dance the conga naked down Broadway without anyone laying a finger on her, because we live in a world that -- if we stop dressing it up in bullshit niceties meant to make this conversation easier on the people who already get to dodge every consequence of their actions -- get to treat women as things rather than people, as commodities to consumed and nothing more. I'm not that naive, and I never possibly can be again.

But you know who I'm not going to blame? Even if she does it anyway? Her. I'm not going to blame her. Not once. Not ever. Or him, if it just so happens to be a naked conga-dancing him. I'm going to blame the rapist, because he (or yes, she! legitimate point, but also get fucked #notallmen and "it can happen to men" to because yes, it can, and yes, it does, but you're not trying to help them so much as trying to derail the argument and be willingly obtuse) is the bad actor. They are the one at fault. Hands down. No questions asked. Period. The fucking end.

I was raped once in college. I was drunk. I had flirted with him. I had made a poor selection of friends. Could I have prevented if I'd been sober? Probably. Would he have done if I hadn't "encouraged" him? I don't know. Should I have been a better judge of character? Hell yes, especially in regards to my two male roommates who watched him follow me up to my room several minutes after I stumbled upstairs, but "didn't want to interfere" even though they thought it was a little odd.

I was also assaulted once in high school. When I was stone cold sober. Wearing a baggie hoodie and jeans. Watching a movie with a 'friend' while his parents and younger siblings were home. By someone I trusted, because everyone I knew -- even my dad -- insisted Matt was "such a great guy" and I should really just be nicer too him given how big his crush on me was. About the only thing I could've done to prevent it there? I'd guess "not be female outside the very close supervision of several adult members of my family", but hey. Even after I told my dad what happened, he said that guys are just like that and I should've been firmer in my refusals, so who fucking knows?

Yeah. Yeah, I think women should take as many precautions as they can -- because they have to. Because this world is so messed up, and this bullshit is tolerated and excused by so many people at so many levels, they don't have any other choice.

But if you're one of the people who think the 'problem' is that they aren't careful enough instead of the fact that they get away with it almost every time, in no small part because you feel the need to expound upon all the ways they should've tried harder not to be raped as the preferred solution over teaching society it's not okay to be a rapist?

Then I have two words for you:

FUCK. YOU.

And if this post just so happens to make you feel attacked? Yeah. I'm probably talking to you. Maybe you should spend some time thinking about that.

[Paris]

@tnp Nobody's questioning that, though there is understandable anger that women pay more for public transport, have to be aware of every exit, watch where they go at night AND the day, worry about the guy telling her to smile, watch their drinks, go to the bathroom in packs, etc, and guys don't have to do any of that and yet say, 'Oh, but YOU need to because rapists can't be bothered not to rape and that's just being responsible.'

Edit: further, the implication that 'oops I had a lil too much to drink!' is a tee hee moment for a guy but a rape scenario for a girl is pretty fucked up.

[Paris]

In any case, as can be seen from many of the responses here (including mine), this is a pretty complex issue, and just saying, 'Well, don't get raped,' and 'Don't do this and you won't get raped' is very simplistic; that it's espoused by cops is especially difficult to listen to.

Quite a few of us have been assaulted, violated and traumatized and this logic has been used against us. I don't know that more words of my own will help get that across, so at least for now I'll leave things at that.

I know, also, that the suggestion Derp made wasn't out of malice, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

[Cupcake]

The conversation with one of my brothers recently involved him telling me that he was one falsely accused of rape - a charge he was able to prove was false because of security cameras filming the incident. And that's great. Hurray for you not raping someone.

But apparently he feels that the <7% or so men who are falsely accused are waaaaay more important than the women who are assaulted.

And then he asked me why I didn't report my attacker, and didn't I think if I had done so, I would have prevented any possible future assaults?

FUCK. YOU. BRO.

[Misadventure]

How the fuck does a company full of BSNs, RNs, etc not offer dental insurance?

[Arkandel]

So I needed a power strip for the living room with more USB ports since by now the number of devices in the household is exceeding my original expectations.

Fine, I ordered one from Amazon. A few minutes later I realized that, hey, since I own a Google Home and the price difference between regular and smart power strips is pretty small I might as well get a new toy! Then I could do stuff like have the lamp turn on/off at certain hours of the day, etc... it could come in handy. So I canceled the order and put in a new one for a spiffy smart bar.

Hooray! There's a box waiting me when I got home from work a couple of days later. I open it, plug it in and start following the instructions I had pulled up online... but the damn thing doesn't want to connect to my wi-fi. "Hold the reset button until the light starts to blink", it says... but there's no reset button, there's just this unmarked little red button, and no matter how much I hold it nothing's blinking!

I must have spent thirty minutes under the coffee table going through various internet invocations to reset it. I'm a goddamn professional, I troubleshoot networking for a living! Why was this damn thing refusing to cooperate with something advertised as simple enough for commoners? Hell, it's supposed to take 30 seconds, why is it not working after I had tried everything?

And then it hit me... Amazon sent me the original order. The one I had cancelled.

I had just spent half an hour of my life trying to get a piece of old fashioned, dumb power strip to connect to the wi-fi.

Not my brightest moment.

[Paris]

@arkandel How life keeps us humble.

[insomniac7809]

"Hey @insomniac7809, you know what you should do?"
"What's that, @insomniac7809?"
"You should point out to Weird Fiction aficionados arguing that H. P. Lovecraft's racism was an unimportant background detail that should be considered entirely separately from his body of work that, not only was he comically racist even by the standards of 1920s New England, his views are absolutely clear in his work, and likely vital to interpreting them."
"What a great idea, @insomniac7809! They'll obviously be willing to take direct textual evidence presented in good faith, rather than talking about Orwell and NPC cucks in reference to people pointing out the blatantly goddamn obvious."

[Aria]

@insomniac7809, my boyfriend. Whose primary hobby is "arguing with dumbfucks on the internet."

ILU, babe.

[insomniac7809]

@aria I can stop any time I want.

[WildBaboons]

@misadventure said in RL Anger:

How the fuck does a company full of BSNs, RNs, etc not offer dental insurance?

Sometimes dental insurance just plan sucks. High premiums and the amount they actually pay out is piddly. I worked one place where the HR benefits person even admitted that she didnt use the dental insurance offered because it was cheaper to just pay out of pocket, even with their kid in braces, than pay the insurance premium.

[Aria]

@insomniac7809

[Misadventure]

@wildbaboons I wish. The parent corporation has dental. The insurance form you fill out has dental opt-in. The pricing sheet the company gives you has dental priced per program.

The company that my spouse is a nurse for DOESNT pay for the dental.

They don't tell you this. I could have kept my previous dental insurance.

We found out by going to the dentist.

[surreality]

@misadventure said in RL Anger:

We found out by going to the dentist.

That is the absolute worst way to find out.

Check to see if your state has dental-only options through the exchanges and whatnot? Mine supposedly does, and damn are we ever going to be looking into that this year. (It'd be about $50 or so a month I think for the husband and I last I looked, but my teeth are satan and that's less than the cost of a single crown for a whole year, and I keep cracking the fuckers in my sleep. )

[RnMissionRun]

My company offers a decent dental plan through CareFirst but it costs $42 per month, which is crazy for dental insurance. I ended up cancelling the company plan and going with Delta Dental. Same benefits, less than half the cost.

My health insurance costs went crazy after ObamaCare went into effect and they continue to go up every year

[TNP]

Looked into dental insurance once. They suck. I just signed up for a dental discount plan. The savings are much better.