Best posts made by Macha

@Too-Old-For-This I relate to your story, soooooo much.

High school - it was always about my 'potential'.
One of my first jobs - factory line work. Repetition galore. I would literally lose time. Nod off... it was horrible.
I have had too many jobs, over the years.

My job now? My boss understands I'll go full speed for a while, then need to take a break to do something else. My office mate? He understands that letting me have one earbud in, lets me get soooo much of the work done (and he has to do less). I'd like to stay here. A LOT. I'm terrified of messing it up.

If only someone had realized WHY I was 'slacking'.

I am in a terrible spending spiral, and ordering out way too much. Like how lazy am I, when I can't fucking be arsed to boil pasta?

@snackness The cute levels. Dear gods.

@ifrit I feel so called out by this.

I do this all the time, when I'm working. I will spend hours doing... what-the-fuck-ever it is I do, and then spend the last few hours of my shift speed burning through files. He's very concerned that I will burn myself out lol - apparently he doesn't understand this is how I've lived my liiiiiiife.

DMX. He'd been on life support a few days, but they'd been painting an optimistic picture

I am so very tired, and emotionally about to overload. I'm tired of having to work two jobs to be able to afford a used car, half the rent for a halfway decent 2 bedroom apt, utilities, and a couple credit cards.

I'm working 2 jobs, trying to help a game, trying to find a new apartment to live in, and it's just too much. The chronic pain has been better, but there are still days when I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

And I'm mad at myself right now, because the brain weasels just told me 'people will laugh at you, because you're not really doing that much'. Now I want to go cry again.

Sorry. Needed to get it out somewhere.

I pick up the keys today. Nervous and anxious and happy, all at once.

It's actually happening. I started shifting things over. Much less anxiety, and more excitement

@silverfox I'm still alive. My body is NOT a fan of the juice/sugar I've had to intake in large quantities all day, but.. alive and conscious.

@insomniac7809 Holy fuck. I FEEL SOOOOOO SEEN. Like I just got shoved onto a stage naked for all of Twitter to see.

@tinuviel I know it's a joke.

But I'm just so angry still.

telling me that the reason I can't get meds for ADHD is that it's over prescribed and doctors are locking it down.

Bullshit. It's because I've got a vag, and clearly am just too hysterical to be trusted with my OWN FUCKING MEDICAL CARE.

-snarl- ...I need to get ready to go see the dr now.

Logan this morning, wanted so badly to hang out with the maintenance man. But while the guy didn't act scared, he was clearly a little nervous (I mean, Logan is 70-75 lbs of 'pit bull' looking monster.) But he didn't bark at him, and just sat with me on the patio. The guy finally dared to pet him when he was done and heading out. ..and got to laugh at Logan's tail wagging so hard he took a little bucket citronella candle right off the patio table.

My dog, terrifying strangers before loving them to submission for 8 years now. It makes me so happy.

So, thanks to the generosity of internet strangers, I'll soon have a headset that I can use for long hours at work. So I was going to try and muddle along for a bit, but now, the stupid software isn't actually letting me MAKE the calls they want me to make, and they're just piling more and more cases on me.

I have more than anyone else on my team, when they know I'm waiting on a new headset.

Thank the gods I've got three interviews next week. Gods I'm hoping for something.

I will retell this story until the day I die.

I am NOT and never HAVE been 'thin'. I have always been what my grandmother called 'solid'. I could run like a wild thing (and did) as a child. I hiked, biked, swam, went skiing... and was never smaller than a size twelve. Fourteen once puberty was over (Hello there, T/A and hips).

My parents did not let us have 'junk food'. Sure, there were chips or cookies on occasion, but not what other kids had. My roommate was stunned to hear in my house growing up, there were no frozen pizzas, or chicken nuggets, the nights my stepmom was too tired. We would order out for pizza a couple times of month, but.. it was meat/starch/veg every night, pretty much.

My sister lost a TON of weight when she had Ulcerative Colitis. She's not as 'solidly built' as I am, but she's not far off. And when she got lower than an 8, she.. it was not a good look for her.

I had a surgery that was terribly bungled, because the surgeon was a lazy fuck with the ego of some golden god. So I ended up with a surgical hernia that needed to be dealt with ASAP (once I convinced the PCP that no, it's not scar tissue, please let me have some sort of scan). The surgeon she sent me to (Not Dr. Ego Fuckhead), told me he'd seen the scan, but he wanted me to lose 50 lbs before he did the surgery. My intestines were literally trying to escape, and this asshole wanted me to go on a diet. I cried in my car, went home, and called my PCP - I was pissed. She called and read him the riot act. I got my surgery less than a month later. THIS is the part that I will never not be amazed at.
At the follow up, he APOLOGIZED for his comment about my weight. "Once you were opened up, you really are built to be this way. I'm sorry I thought you needed to lose that much weight." I was stunned, y'all.

I've always had doctors tell me I'm too big, after my pediatrician. He NEVER ONCE said I was fat, but he'd watched me grow up since I was a little mack truck of a kid. He had kids in my school, he saw me playing after school sports, riding my bike around town all the time. They can all blow it out their asses.

My job can go fuck itself. The project I'm being hounded to do, and told to prioritize over my actual job... is completely effed up. Nothing is actually ordered in the spreadsheet. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Today my boss made fun of my ADHD, and my usual ability to multitask like a mofo. I was on hold for the stupid medical accommodation team, when he dropped still more work on me. And it all has to be done ASAP.

So I straight up asked him. "What order would you like me to prioritize this?"

"What, can't you just do all three things at once? You just told me the other day you could talk to me and review cases." ... yeah, because talking to you doesn't require SOFTWARE USE, dipshit. All I really want to tell him is "You know what would help? Have them send me a second monitor. Double my productivity."

But, I can't. So I won't. So I do shit at my own pace, and didn't work myself into that adrenaline-fueled afternoon of needing to hyperfocus. He likes to bitch about that, too, so... yeah. He can suck it.

@carma Charlie was also hysterical. I told him I was getting ready to quit. And he asked me if he could give me his messenger name. When AIM finally died, I was sad. Because we hadn't been able to exchange anything in a while. So.. no more Charlie in my life. But I still think of him often.

So, I did something today I might get mocked for. Roommate wanted to go to the psychic fair in town, so we did.

I got some pretty rocks, and then went to a medium for a reading. All this woman knows is my first name. I sit down, she takes my hand and goes. "Oh, you lost your mom at a young age. She says she's sorry, she didn't abandon you. She always heard you when you talked to her. She didn't leave.

... And now I sit here with this, and the rest of what she said.

I just spoke to my boss. And he ever so helpfully reminded me, without meaning to - I don't matter to him. To the company.

I told him that people are pissed. They're taking away holidays, even if their particular office is closed say... the day after thanksgiving, they have to work from home. They're dumping work that is NOT in our department on us more and more by the day. This is not going to change for 'the foreseeable future', despite what I've been told elsewhere (not that I believe anything at this point.). I told him I don't want him left holding the bag. "We'll manage. We always do."

Well thanks boss. Fuck you too. Pay cut or not, I think I am out. (I still have other interviews scheduled)

God, I want this job offer letter NOW.

I want to quit. I want to quit so bad.