Best posts made by mietze

Six weeks until Eldest leaves for college. He is super excited and a little nervous. He's been slowly packing things away into the boxes to take with and the boxes to store (a lot of times with assistance in sorting on request but he's doing a great job). I'm super excited for him. There is a part of me that is very fretful (the school closed the residence hall dorms and put everyone needing housing in the campus apartments, which is pretty swank) because of the worry of violence. Even though I know this campus is like...probably the safest campus in the universe for a trans person, the apartment with 5 unknown roommates is very nerve wracking for momma but I am staying out of it and keeping my frets to myself! In any case he knows how to advocate for himself, we are only a couple of hours away and he will have local emergency contacts too <3.

When he gets to college all the roommate groups will be quarantined for 2 weeks. No big freshman minglers but its clear they are thinking outside of the box to help the first year folks transition into college life despite the weird circumstances. I'm happy for him. We are having a good time doing lots of stuff together and he's spending a lot of time with little brother (who is 6) who they have a very special bond.

But yeah, I think in addition to the struggles with covid mental health effects, I'm definitely going to be riding the roller coaster of Oh Shit My Kid Is Actually Leaving For College and Truly Starting Their Own Life Now. Hopefully I can keep my shit together and not be a blubberer until I'm in the car driving home after getting him settled!!

@Pandora said in The ethics of IC romance, TS, etc:

You don't need the moral high ground to be pissed off. We really need to stop emotion-regulating people and telling them when it is/isn't okay to feel a feeling. There is a difference between having a feeling & treating people badly.

• Being pissed off - Valid.
• Attempting to discuss why you're pissed off and negotiating some terms that all parties involved can deal with - Valid.
• OOCly talking shit about the player of your PC spouse and forming an OOC lynch mob against Theno - Invalid.

Run your rough draft of the attempt at communication by a non-MU friend. They'll have no dog in the race and can help you with your tone if that's something important to you; it's easy to come off as aggressive or worse when you're understandably upset.

I really cannot agree with this enough. People feel upset sometimes especially after a disappointment. Ironically I have observed that some of the people who scream the loudest about "OMG its just a game keep your ooc reaction out if it you loser!" tend to be the ones that go thermonuclear if the shoe is on the other foot. People have plans, they get attached to those plans, but when they also depend on other people going along with things or staying out of the way at least, they sometimes get derailed/blown up/sent down another track.

I wish we did better at allowing people those emotions without shaming it, while being less tolerant of explosive /behavior/ towards other players.

Some people though will interpret any discomfort they feel as an attack (I think that is why often times folks who like to wag a finger at people feeling upset over something IC can be so reactive themselves--they do not want to deal with any expression of disappointment y anyone else and that is why they want to claim such wide boundaries for themselves.) And as you say there are definitely people who weaponize being a sad moppet.

I think in interacting with people one has to be tolerant of a discomfort with how they feel that might be different from desired/expected. I do think that many people think about this in the hobby, but sometimes it's pretty difficult to negotiate.

Take your time, and I hope you don't feel bad about that. Still very excited to see what you do with it.

The idea of all of my bigs being off to school has been very abstract this summer but it gets rolling in 2 weeks and having 3 tuition bills makes it real in mind of a momentary panic attack way. But still I'm starting to freak out a bit emotionally too (similar to what I experienced when they were all in grade school full time that first year!) ngl. I'm irritated that I'm feeling empty nest and my nest is not empty yet, and excited for them and also trying to not get overly involved while also hugging them a lot more at random (they are tolerant of this).

But yeah. Freaking out a bit. Transitions are sometimes hard.

I only play on one game, but it seems like there are very few bans for the size of the population and a great deal of time spent correcting things alternatively. This is true in any game I've ever staffed really.

I wonder if the perception of "staff only ban or do nothing" is not more because of the perennial "if I dont see it it doesnt exist" than a reality of "either people just ban people or do nothing." Bans are almost always announced. The other stuff rarely is. Which does tie back to a certain part of privacy (not making every player's disciplinary strikes or problems public on game). Man, I feel like I should be proud of myself for staying OT.

In my experience having that as a specific role causes more harm than good. Most conflicts require more than one set of eyes and also multiple viewpoints and considerations that one person will not be a good arbiter of. It sets up a subtle and unintentional confirmation thar staff is something players need to be protected from. It doesn't at all replace leadership but may be shuffled off as an excuse to not have to provide it as it's someone else's role.

I think it is good to run anything posted especially in reaction to something or in annoyance through several people to read for tone. Also a good idea to have people willing and able to pull in other staffers or the headwiz for arbitration help if needed.

@greenflashlight none harm in trying.

Nice thing about 40s plus (or any age honestly) is that you can try on anything you like. And if other people don't like it oh well.

In the case of game bans I'm not really sure that's very effective community shaming, since there are lots of people who have been asked to leave a game and suffer no ill effect in the wider community. Half the time someone is tossed off a game (esp when they are "popular" or "active") the first wider community response is to denigrate the staff for being so mean.

I wish a game ban was more taken as a "this person was not a good fit for the game or behaved at that time in a way that the staff did not feel like/feel like they were equipped for" rather than OMFG THIS PERSON IS A HORRIBAD HORRIBLE BURRRRRNNNN THEMMMMMM.

@derp i didn't say that it set it up, just that it fed into it/confirmed it, unintentionally. It won't alleviate it. Nor keep the peace. Nor give players a "good experience". Respectful leadership has a better chance.

As well as just acknowledging that some folks will not be able to have a good experience for reasons that are largely not within your scope ability to control.

My mama heart is happy, the kiddo I've been most worried about is home from college for the weekend to meet up with friends, and pretty much they talked my ear off the whole way home when I picked them up and things are going a lot better.

@Apos agreed. While I do not think there's anything inherently wrong with ooc rooms and channel announcements, or any other familiar trappings of that used to be standard things on mux/mushes code wise or build wise or policy wise...I mean just as it would be dumb to refuse to include anything old because it's old, I think it is just as dumb to think that you MUST include anything just because "people are used to it."

There's a balance of course. But I am pretty sure that players who would outright refuse to play on any game that didn't have an OOC room they could talk in because they need that for their mushing experience would not be missed at all on a game where for whatever reason it was determined that it was not needed/wanted. That should not be a bad thing.

One of the things that frustrates me a lot is this clinging to everyone must do what I like/find comforting, and the attacks/nay saying when people use systems/different sorts of ideas or expectations while at the same time people complain about there not being a lot of variety on games. People freak out about open sheet/new code/what topics are or are not included in allowable play/leadership structure, ect. That's fine, we all have our preferences but it really should not imo escalate "if you do this, I'm not interested in playing on the game, it's not my thing" to "OMG HOW DARE YOU THIS IS A SHIT GAME BEVAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING I WANT/HAVE SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE." Of course it's going to but jeez, it's really okay for someone to not play on a game or to play on one that has some things that you don't like or is missing things that you do.

I am all for game runners/creators examining everything and deciding what works for them.

I am locking this topic for now, since honestly it doesn't seem to have much of a suggestion, seems to contain a personal attack.

I understand there is anger and/or upset out there. There are a lot of things to unravel. I'm still only partially able to be here due to first illness and now rl being extra, same as everyone else.

It's fine to mention all the ways you don't like something, but we have asked that people don't engage in personal attacks. I don't really see any other way to interpret this one.

Perimenopause fucking sucks, can I just be done with this already.

Fun concept, friendly folks, lots of easy to find info on the wiki, I'm really enjoying things so far.

Either my toddler ate a googly eye at the parent-child class we went to yesterday (we did do a craft that had them but he wasn't interested and didn't even go near the art table) or his shit is winking at me. Either way, happy Wednesday to me!

There's no handwringing going on that I can see. I have no vested interest what happens with Japanese characters or that part of the history.

When I speak of needing to tolerate a certain discomfort to play on a game like this, that is doing an alt-history theme, I'm talking about the discomfort that comes from "dumbing down" if you prefer what happened historically. I appreciate that there are, essentially, changes that make it so that it's likely the Holocaust as we know it will not happen.. (Just as I suspect that the Nanjing Massacre will not happen).

While this makes me happier in the sense of playing the game, it also makes me feel at least some discomfort at removal of this to achieve a world in which we can play somewhat comfortably with modern sensibilities. It's not erasure. I enjoy (while also simultaneously feel kind of weird and uncomfortable) other alternative-history explorations both that erase "bad" elements and those that don't (such as The Man in the High Castle). But there can be an element of feeling discomfort about that that can put people (including myself) on edge very fast, and I think it is probably good to keep that in mind when gauging what we believe to be the other person's intent on the game. (Since I'm sure some people like totally don't think about that stuff at all, which is fine, too.)

I am personally well aware of what happened with Japanese Imperialism (though granted more on the Korean side than Chinese). due to the stories of family members and family members of close personal friends who directly experienced some very horrific things during that time. Which is probably why I personally don't really feel an inclination to app in a Japanese PC of this era.

This is always a risk when you are deciding to play on a history-lite or history-alternate game that is close enough to be in relatable reach, at least for me. I think you have to be able to deal with this internal discomfort in a way that doesn't mean you are going to lash out at other players without stopping to ask questions of staff and even of that player first, though.

And to be very, very clear. The PC in question here very explicitly in their information says that they loathe the imperialist military actions and how non-Japanese people have been treated. They very clearly do NOT want to play a war criminal. As there really hasn't been a ruling on whether or not in this timeline one can be a fan of the cultural ideal of the Emperor and also not support military actions that were directed by him (if they are in this timeline, I agree that it seems a bit of a stretch to say NO involvement, personally.), who knows, maybe it will be that all Japanese PCs must be kind of running from/seeking to get away from their government/that aspect of their culture? Not sure, it remains to be seen.

Sometimes it takes time and space as well. You're doing fantastic, but it's only been a very short period of time. Sometimes NOT running after people saying "LOOK BETTER NOW LOOK BETTER NOW REALLY REALLY REALLY" and giving them space see if it it 'takes' does much more to repair a relationship than slipping into passive aggressivness or impatience for people to wipe the slate clean. Depends on the degree of damage though. A brief period of peevishness can be kicked to the curb for a restart almost instantly (at least for me). If someone has been personally and persistently destructive though, usually it takes me about the same amount of time they spent being so for me to let my guard down again.

Though I hope nobody's being rude. There's really no excuse to be anything other than polite, really.

@WildBaboons how could a guy that had harassment orders against him be "mostly harmless?"

I once got the hairy eyeball at a parent ed talk about screentime when I commented what a classist and somewhat racist bunch of garbage this "Screen time is ruining our kids! They should be playing with legos and running around outside!" stuff is.

You can play minecraft on a computer, which is often used by family for many things as a communal resource. Legos are pretty much only toys (unless you have an adult hobbyist) and are extremely EXTREMELY expensive unless you get lucky on craigslist.

Being outside is great! Do you have enough land/a useable backyard? Does your city have enough money for park upkeep? Do you have a car/gas money? Are the outdoor/common spaces accessible by bus if not? Will you get CPS or will your children be harassed while at the park if you don't "look right" for the neighborhood?

How many jobs are you working? Are you home during daylight hours when it's safe to walk/are you comfortable with your latchkey kids going out while you're not there?

I do limit my kids screen time and kicked them outside of the house in the summer when they were younger to go play outside until a certain time. BUT we have an awesome property, with lots of wooded areas and even a kind neighbor who allowed the kids to play in the creek that's on their side of the property line. At the time all our immediate neighbors were old school elderly people who enjoyed seeing/hearing the kids run around (and often would give them old junk boards and nails and tools they didn't want anymore for my kids to build forts with). There were also 3 of them close in age, and pack safety helps. Also it helps that they look 100 percent white. So no one questioned our belonging in any neighborhood park pretty much anywhere they showed up. I always had access to transportation. I didn't worry about some idiot calling CPS on me (though I had plenty of people clutch pearls because I allowed my children to play outside on our completely shielded from traffic wooded property BY THEMSELVES where I could not always be there to make sure they weren't kidnapped by the white slavery pedophile ring.)

Now I see my teens laughing and chatting and playing games with friends both online and when they get together at our place (which often involves RPGs and board games as well, in person). They are silly computer game and magic dorks. It's very sweet, and goofy, and social. We can't afford $1k per kid to have them do sports teams and all the stuff that is the rage, and that's fine.

And all of them have perfectly good working brains (as annoying as they are sometimes) despite having watched TV now and then and played computer/console games.

@TiredEwok I would argue that they were there from the start as he already has an anti-harassment order against him.

Sadly, people like to make themselves feel better by not believing people when they talk about harassment or thinking that this type of behavior could hopefully just be then having a bad day or "not who they really are" or harmless or whatever.

In fact this guy has an extensive history.

I'm glad in this instance at least people are not playing the magnanimity game, or looking the other way. Wish we did it more when people show who they are through harassing behaviour or racist/sexist/homophobic comments.