Best posts made by mietze

I love love love Thanksgiving. It’s my favoritest holiday (since I love to cook!!). I have my turkey dry brining in my fridge, I get to do a couple of make ahead things to tuck into the oven tomorrow, we have 12 to feed tomorrow, all chosen family and my crew, with some folks making their famous sides and bringing yummy things. I get to clean off the good china (since we will need it to extend our regular plates!)

Nothing makes me happier than feeding folks and seeing them enjoy good food and great company!

I don’t like the history behind it at all, but it’s nice to have a non religious feasting holiday. Not that it stops me from having feasts then too!

The last month or so has been so dreadful. It’s nice to be on a happy heart buzz.

I like staff mostly because it gives me the illusion on a non-invite-only game that there's a chance that someone is trying to do a theme and may even have some idea of where to direct an overarching story to give some flavor to that theme regardless of participation in the game plot.

Games where there are not people in place to provide guidance of some sort, regardless of whether they have staff in name/neglect only or if its automated tend to devolve into a shitshow of fucking and killing or OOC drama over the two. Which is great if that's your bag, but it's not mine.

@Kireek

If someone, ANYONE, but especially a lead staffer /tells you to stop talking about something like support that you're not supposed to be talking about anyway/ then you are courting trouble by continuing on.

Yes. Even if all the other boys and girls are doing it or someone else did it first.

If you are told to shut up about something and you want to stay on the game, STFU. If you don't want to stay on the game and/or it's more important to you to keep pushing it, don't act all omg surprised when you are (more politely than is usual in this case!) shown the door.

I commend the staff for their decision. Even in this thread of "oh I have NO idea why except for oh maybe a, b, c, d, e, f, g...I mean omg whatever did I do to deserve this," you don't appear to be a player that's a good fit for a small staff that doesn't have time to burn micromanaging behavior.

Thank god they decided not to. This is the type of self-centered and careless behavior that I wish more places came down on, it'd be nice to see it extinguished a bit more in the community.

Met my husband on a mush. He came out to visit, I moved across country 2 months later, we got married less than a year later, and now we have been married for 17 years and have 4 kids, 2 cats, and a halfway paid off mortgage. Before that I'd been married very young, and after that I was a major slut (highly recommended, no I'm not being a sarcastic) and fucked a lot of other young folks (and occasionally old folks) male and female, mushers and non mushers.

I hate bars. I dont really drink. Starting in my twenties I met most people I knew through various interest groups on the internet, including mushing. Hell, even my chosen family who I see locally and frequently and who I would implicitly trust with my kids is like 80 percent people I met on a mush. I've known some for like 20 years now.

Lots of people meet their partners/lovers through mutual interest groups once they're out of school. I dont think mushing is any different.

Fuck, half of my moms group (most of whom are 10-15 years younger than me) met their partners through computer games or other online communities. It's a thing with the youth.

I also think the people targeted tend to be people that the targeter thinks (rightly or wrongly) are in a weakened position or able to be driven out/away. It makes a difference if they think that you can't be/won't be or if they wish you to be present.

It's not even always about a slight or even an argument. I have seen that behavior directed at people who didn't even harm the person, they just annoyed them oocly, and they knew that they could get away with that behavior.

It's a very small minority on game or RL, but there /are/ people who totally get off on exerting that type of power on other people. Usually eventually they make a mistake in who they try it on, which is when the tide starts to turn. Fortunately it can be a behavior that is also grown out of. Not very often, but it can be.

Owning your shit and apologizing genuinely (hint: this does not involve an I'm sorry but/I'm sorry you feel that way/I'm sorry that my attempt to be awesome just wasn't what you wanted/I'm sorry I'm such a horrible catastrophe who need to go eat worms) as well as, shutting the fuck up when you're asked to do so at the time goes a long way to settle/rebuild relationships.

Though depending upon the offense and what happened it doesn't always salvage your participation.

I think it's fine to disagree or whatever, but honestly it sounds like you just did not listen when told to stop. Stop means stop. If you cannot it's best to walk. For the night/week/permanently/whatever.

Yes, even if you thought you were tirelessly working to improve your family/group/the game/whatever. It's not fair sometimes, and some folks are better than others at recovery. I think a lot of us mushers have difficulties with knowing when to back off or change tone, ect. But when you are given explicit direction, just...I don't know. If you truly want to stay on a play just bite your tongue and do it, and give it some time to see if you still want to play, with that restriction, once you're not in the moment.

And there is never, ever a good reason to go off on a channel, especially a public one, ever. Even if it's about game stuff like systems and stats. Just don't do that unless you're on the Rules Lawyer channel with other people who love that stuff (there's always a few, keep it to there so you have fun without stressing everyone else out.)

But really. Sometimes even when your dander is up and you're about to saddle up that tall horse, especially if it's with staff on their game--it's wiser to just shut up.

I impulse bought a plug in/heated throw blanket from Costco today. Best purchase!! I am warm for the first time in like 3 days! Also it's super soft. Now I just have to keep the teenagers or husband from stealing it.

I think interpersonal relationships are rarely fair or equitable across all humans. So yeah, I mean there are absolutely going to be times when someone drives you up a tree that you would not be bothered were it someone, anyone else. That is neither your fault or the other person's. You just dont care for them very much. That's fine, and human. What is not fine is taking that dislike of someone and not being able to own the fact that you just dont like them or that they rub you the wrong way, and turn it into a bigger deal than it is because you dont want to be seen as "being like that" and elevating your natural or initial dislike into something actionable or that you encourage other people to join in on to save you discomfort or feeling bad about it (or for that small minority of people in the hobby, because it excites you that you've found your next target for exclusionary behavior/games).

If you want an apology to be taken seriously, I suggest the following:

1. Make it personal and private, if the offense was towards a person and was not a psycho hosebeast explosion publicly. Generic Sorry I Was A Butt To Some People "apologies" come across about as sincere and are about as effective as those cop out Some People Need To/Not generic gutless staff finger waggling posts on Bb1.

2. Don't apologize to make yourself look/feel better. Apologize because you feel you genuinely sorry about the hurt/stress/inconvenience you cause someone, and you want to recognize that without justification. If you're not and/or there's no relationship there to repair (either as an acquaintance you'd like to keep/someone you'd like a good working relationship with/a friendship), then you probably aren't going to approach it in a sincere way.

3. As hard as it is, if you are apologizing then avoid bringing up all the ways it's really generous of you to be doing this towards someone so sensitive/triggered/that has no life unlike yourself. If you can't avoid that, wait until you can. Or don't apologize, because you're still more interested in making your point rather than repairing something.

I have done my share of apologizing (including to people here). If you're still in the stage of "Man, I didn't realize how touchy they were! I guess I should say sorry that I brushed up against their butthurt." You're just not there yet. And that's okay.

@tinuviel said in RL Anger:

If I get shot, nobody sensible is going to be giving me helpful tips like "don't go out without a bullet-proof vest."

The predatory and criminal behaviour is the only matter of concern. Literally the only one.

Unless you're in the US. Then you are told "well, if you'd only had a concealed carry weapon, you could have gotten him/her first! That's what happens when the lawmakers take away all of your guns! You should take responsibility for your own safety! If I had been there I would have head-shotted him like the sniper I see myself being in my fantasies, even though I have no training and there's no competency requirements for this loaded handgun I have stuffed down my pants."

I do think the attitude on all sides can be more easily linked to smaller (non big time corporate supported) games and loyal followers.

My husband is the sole developer (it's not his property, but he's the only developer that's working on it at this time, and it's been this way for jeez, like over 10 years now. It's a clunky PC historical strategy game. People just really don't play these types of games much anymore. But it has a devoted small following of a surprising age range of people. (Many MUSH similarities here). Nobody is making a lot of money off this game (hence why the current people who own the rights will only pay one developer and one artist to work on it, ect).

Most people are cool, understanding, excited about mods they themselves can make, enjoy it immensely despite the olden days format, ect. They give good feedback as various things are rebuilt, not to turn it into an MMO or anything, but to make it with more options, updated campaigns, some graphics updates, a lot of behind the scenes engine updates, ect.

But there are a special few screamers that are really horrible. Vomiting all over the forums, harassing people, always with a major entitlement complex about how things aren't moving fast enough, how they're not getting big corporate look/upgrades for this inexpensive and old school game, insulting my hubby by name because he's on the credits (and he does take the time to respond to people on the forum, because again, small community of pretty much fun/nice/quirky people from all over the world, ect) and treating him like garbage because the features that the team has decided to bring with the $$ they have available doesn't line up with what the screamer wants, ect.

We have SO FUCKING MUCH of that in MUSHing. I really don't think we need to encourage more. Enjoy what is, give your input once and constructively or at least respectfully, if it doesn't change in a way you can abide, move on.

I am all for apologizing about past behavior that has hurt/disrespected people. But when it's accompanied with a hefty dose of "I'm sorry you're so lame," it come across as an attack. Same with the "I'm sorry I'm the worst person ever to walk to earth" bullshit. Maybe this is just the fact that I was raised by a narcisstic alcoholic asshole, but apologies made in that manner can be actual attacks or slams. I've seen it quite a bit in gaming, RL, you name it. It's why I think if you want to come across as genuine apology (vs confessions of being a dick once upon a time, hey, I think we've all been there), just saying "I'm sorry" does not invalidate dickishness afterwards.

Public apologies that are non specific (vs confessions) also run the risk of anger by other folks who feel similarly wronged by that person feeling like they're getting a second slap when that's not acknowledged. (I see that more often online than RL), mostly because other people who have been subjected to the behavior physically standing in the room are not as easily overlooked either accidentally or on purpose.

Apologies are by their nature risky. You are extending vulnerability by acknowledging your role in harming (shallow to deep) someone else. There is no guarantee of acceptance. It's not a face saving measure. Sometimes it opens up old wounds. I think sometimes folks are not always aware of that. But I do think that's why a "but" or "if" apology makes many people so angry again.

Anyway, just my thoughts as someone who's had to apologize many many times online and RL to a wide variety of people,with results ranging from being told in no uncertain terms id never be welcome in that person's life again, to a repair and strengthening of a vital relationship and most often of the dull "thanks I appreciate that" inbetween.

We are encouraging our trans kid to apply to Canadian colleges in the fields that will allow him to have a work permit afterwards for a few years. It makes me fucking sick to do this (not that I don't like Canada, it's actually closer to us than him going away to school out of state, if he goes anywhere in Vancouver).

It's not a safe country for him anymore. We can't really afford to take us all at this point, plus hubby and I are pushing the age cutoff. But we can at least get him out I hope. Everyone else will be okay.

@arkandel I think that failure as a term in mushing is meaningless.

Failed=closed?

Failed=scandal laden but still open?

Failed=Hired That Person I Don't Like?

Failed=Fired That Person I Don't Know I'm Not Supposed to Like?

Failed=I cannot get RP no matter how much I demand it on channel or try to put myself out there?

Failed=I see people getting stuff I dont know how to but want so they must be cheating/staff favorites?

I would say that with the exception of 3 folks my local "chosen family" are all folks that I initially met via mushing. Hell, I met my spouse mushing. I have established friendships with many more. Throughout the years I've hosted and hung out with a ton of people.

I have a broad base of friendships and social network via non-MUSH pursuits as well. There are PTA and church and volunteering or interest group friends too, of varying degrees of intimacy.

I do care about people--a lot. It doesn't really stop me from distancing if their behavior warrants it or promote reliance on people inappropriately. There are many folks online I enjoy shooting the shit with ooc but don't prefer their play style (or they don't like mine), and people I do enjoy rp wise that I don't care to deepen friendships with (and I assume many people who do not want that with me!)

I think your degree of sociability on mushes is not some moral or niceness thing as much as how you tend to operate socially in any circumstances. There are some folks that upon first meeting would be happy to give you a lift or take in your life story or bring you dinner, ect. Others take a long while to warm up. Or wouldn't until you reach intimate friend/family status. There are some folks who don't call someone a friend until there is a high degree of mutual bondedness--others view everyone as a friend to be treated that way until proven otherwise. There's variety. And that's fine by me!

My first wedding was huge, and most of the attendees were friends of my parents and shit (this is a thing sometimes I guess) and my huge ass extended family. My parents had saved up a good chunk of change specifically in a wedding account (Because it's very important to marry of your daughter and show it off). It was pretty, and all, but I felt panic pretty much all day long and my bff and her hubby had their car full of gas and a suitcase for me in case I just wanted to bail. Wish I had, they could see something I couldn't.

My second wedding and the marriage that has lasted now for almost 20 years we just picked a weekend, went to vegas, told everyone the dates (it was cheap to fly in to vegas from anywhere back in the day), went to a silly little wedding chapel (the pastor's speech was better than the one given by the guy I'd spent like 6 months in pastoral premarital counseling with in my first marriage) that took 15 minutes, and then took everyone out to dinner at a casino restaurant. I think the grand total for everything including hotel and airfare for us was like $500. My favorite wedding!

So I am a fan of keeping things small for ceremony if it's what you want, if you want to have a big party for a larger group later do it, or if you just want to chill afterwards it's fine. I have never met anyone who regretted doing less and having something comfortable vs. agreeing to getting pushed into more.

Sometimes it's the little things that mean a whole hell of a lot. I don't (yet) have a lot of involvement in overarching knowledge or plot, but getting a brief IC interaction in the middle of a very busy scene and staff has a shitload of stuff they're responding to, even though it's just a PC secret tie in...it's not really something I've experienced much in decades of MU* play. It feels really good, as a player, and means a lot.

I think it would be helpful if people stopped making value judgements about someone who feels a momentary pang when something doesn't go their way. A lot of people are quick to jump aggressively on the FAILURE IS FUN!!!!!!!! soapbox (especially when it comes to how other people should feel). I know I can tend to be that way because I personally enjoy hamming up botches and the like personally (I'm sure that's annoying in its own right).

But some people just don't have lucky dice. Or they have less access to scenes that they get to participate in that are very relevant to who their pc is/what they were built for. Yes, failure is an awesome character development arc, but what if you only get to use those skills every 6 months or so, and you just by luck of the roll fail every single use of that skill in front of the group. Unless it's an open +sheet game they don't KNOW that the PC is competent. And people sometimes can and do make comments when someone looks like they've not invested in the skills (unless the game cracks down on people being unkind about rolls).

After seeing one friend in particular who is really awesomely statted get to finally go to a really important, pivotal battle scene and fail everything and as a result get KOed early (while keeping a brave OOC face on and cheering other people on, but feeling horrible about it and being sidelined early), I think people should have some compassion too. That's an extreme, but I do think a lot of people do feel a momentary "awww, man!" moment even for a single failure during an IC character skill choke.

I think it's easier to fail ICly when people aren't judgey ooc about the failure itself, and when they're supportive about someone taking a moment to shake it off, and then move on while making sure there's opportunites for more RP. The reality is that while failure should lead to more growth opportunities, often times it really usually doesn't, once the scene is over it's done (esp. if was a staff run scene) just like awesome success in a scene doesn't always. I think a supportive environment can do a lot to make whatever it is more fun though.

@Sammi I feel that, but honestly--I think that's when you politely say "Oh oops, sorry, but we should have moved to a RP room, we will now, hope to catch you later!" and then do so, not bitch out the other player immediately for daring to enter a public space that's labeled as a hangout for anyone to RP at.

After immense weight gain for a variety of reasons, and realizing that pretty much my life is unlikely to become less stressful for the foreseeable future I did the following:

Discontinued the family y membership now that we only have 1 child in activites instead of 3, when it requires me to drive 30 minutes to get to the facility because of traffic.

Joined a local gym with far less programming but has the machines I like AND best of all a stream room and sauna.

My self care now includes 3x week hydrotherapy rotation and still takes me less time than going to the Y for a 30 min workout and quick shower.