Posts made by mietze

I think I would divide it into two categories, and there's a slightly different response for each.

OOC behavior:

This includes how someone speaks to you/treats you on channels, in OOC chatter, pages, and other non-IC communication (though if things in play veer towards the meta that starts to involve this, I'd consider that ooc behavior as well). It also includes things thrust upon your PC that you may or may not agree to (like the Surprise! Incest! stuff that has been talked about elsethread, but it can also mean people imposing offputting subjects onto your play that you're uncomfortable with without asking.)

I think that it is always okay to put up personal boundaries when it comes to how people treat you OOCly. If someone is haranguing you about something on channel, or constantly paging you to do something for them ect, and it is starting to make you uncomfortable, it is okay to ask them to stop, oocly. If someone is constantly negatively venting to you about the game/something, and it is impairing your enjoyment of the game, it's okay to tell them that you need some space from complaints for now. If someone really wants to RP about a subject you're deeply uncomfortable with or have a squick about (my main one is miscarriage or infertility stuff that is overly intimate) then it's okay to tell that person "I'm sorry, but I really don't enjoy that subject, and would prefer to not be involved in those discussions, but I'd love to RP about something else" (if you otherwise enjoy their RP.

IC Behavior:

When it comes to IC canon or worldviews though, I think that you have to be a little more careful, if you are not staff and not a lorekeeper for the game.

If it is GLARINGLY out of theme (Like on Arx, someone playing a character who is super sexist) then I think it's kind if they're a new player to let them know that they're way out of canon and do they know that. And then depending on their response, you could point them towards the right resources if you want to. If they freak out, I would say that's time to just back off and then involve staff, just so they know.

If it's just something that annoys you (like someone who isn't playing a fealty stereotype how you would, someone who gets titles wrong and needs to be reminded frequently) or a playstyle mismatch (spammy poses to your terse ones or vice versa) or just someone whom you oocly don't really care for that much, but they are not harming anything, just annoying you--then honestly I would just let it go and concentrate on other people whom you do enjoy.

I would say making a big ooc deal about annoyance issues rather than truly deep discomfort ones can be a boundary violation in itself, so I understand the caution.

I would always err on the side of speaking up if someone is being rude, disruptive, or mean OOCly. Even if they're getting everything else "right". But if it's just a matter of taste, I would probably err on the side of caution.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

You are the lesser son of greater sires.

I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.

If you had an idea it would die of loneliness.

You could throw yourself on the ground and miss.

When you were a child, did your mama rock your cradle too close to the wall?

I think this wine has been drunk before.

Crazy. Poor grocery store peeps.

Regarding the calf spasm, you can often curtail it by grabbing your foot and pulling the toes upwards to flex the entire foot (the opposite of pointing it). That forces your calf muscles to relax because their opposites are engaged. It will not stop the residual pain. But it's handy to know because many times you'll be on the edge of another spasm or several for the next hours-to a couple of days, and you can head it off if you immediately flex your foot to prevent the muscles in your calf from tightening.

I think potassium can help some people but low potassium will not help everyone and isn't always the cause. I am sorry though. I get those a lot, though usually now the warning tightening will wake me up and I immediately go to lean against the wall to flex my foot or do it manually to stave it off. Be careful about massaging or rolling immediately after a spasm. For some folks and in some situations it will send you right into another one.

We are encouraging our trans kid to apply to Canadian colleges in the fields that will allow him to have a work permit afterwards for a few years. It makes me fucking sick to do this (not that I don't like Canada, it's actually closer to us than him going away to school out of state, if he goes anywhere in Vancouver).

It's not a safe country for him anymore. We can't really afford to take us all at this point, plus hubby and I are pushing the age cutoff. But we can at least get him out I hope. Everyone else will be okay.

@rnmissionrun Obamacare isn't an insurance company. It's a series of mandates FOR the insurance companies. Insuring that the pool of people includes young and healthy people is part of "Obamacare".

@iluvgrumpycat only if nothing happens to you. Until the ACA we had catastrophic care only with a 5000 deductible. It cost us over $1000/mo. It was okayish since we are frugal, were housing-stable, and were healthy. Then we had a child nearly die after birth from a hospital acquired infection. We are talking over 500k racked up in less than three weeks staying in the PICU, and then all the expense of 8 weeks of home iv antibiotic therapy, follow ups that cost $$ on top of that. I have seen the difference in care for people who acquired q spinal cord injury while insured and those who did when they didn't have insurance. And it is brutal. You are talking like 10+ years reduction in life expectancy because of no access to proper equipment and rehab.

You can roll the dice and take chances. But no, it's really not cheaper to go without.

@Arkandel I know that's not funny to you but the image is pretty freaking adorable.

I also think the people targeted tend to be people that the targeter thinks (rightly or wrongly) are in a weakened position or able to be driven out/away. It makes a difference if they think that you can't be/won't be or if they wish you to be present.

It's not even always about a slight or even an argument. I have seen that behavior directed at people who didn't even harm the person, they just annoyed them oocly, and they knew that they could get away with that behavior.

It's a very small minority on game or RL, but there /are/ people who totally get off on exerting that type of power on other people. Usually eventually they make a mistake in who they try it on, which is when the tide starts to turn. Fortunately it can be a behavior that is also grown out of. Not very often, but it can be.

I agree. The only times I have never been able to work things out with someone it has been about boundary issues, ooc. That's a pretty broad field though. I would never tell anyone to not play with someone. Neither do I feel obligated to obey when someone tells me I shouldn't play with someone. Eventually behavior outs itself, especially when someone has difficulty maintaining respect for other people in general, so the problem eventually corrects itself after awhile.

I try to avoid knowing alts for the same reason. There are maybe 4 people in the hobby that I would immediately walk away from if I knew who they were in a game, and honestly I'm not even sure if any still play anymore.

Because I have definitely seen people who behave one way on one game behave super differently (in a good way) on another. Maturity, greater boundaries, not going through whatever it was that assisted in their bad behavior the other time, I dunno, but it doesnt really matter. Unless the person has very personally or specifically gone after me as a person/player in the past, I'd rather play than not. And if they have done so, I assume they dont like/dont want to interact with me, so why force it? That's fucking rude. It doesnt seem like as much of a thing anymore with the shrinking of the community, but in the past I've known folks who seemed to get off on figuring out who someone was that they didn't get along with and then insinuating themselves with them on a new PC on a different game. That to me is pretty gross. Even if someone hurt your feeling with their behavior on one game, just leave them the fuck alone if they dont like you! It happens. Not everyone gets along or likes everyone, you dont have to prove a point and actively deceive someone about it.

I have forgiven and been forgiven many many many times.

Especially when behavior only or primarily revolves around game stuff.

When it crosses lines into the individual/personal (such as stalking behavior, doxing behavior, ect) and when it shows a major character flaw (repeated incidences of cheating across many games, repeated incidences of attempting to stir up people against a latest target, or repeated incidences of unwelcome attention/pursuit of people with an unwillingness to hear or pay attention to the word no), then forgiveness becomes a moot point, because regardless of whether I hold affection for that person or if I did at one time, there is just not going to be trust there.

I also dont believe mush people to be uniquely strong grudge holders either. Maybe its just because I have a long history of being extremely involved in community and/or interest group volunteering, but as I have said many times, the worst drama on a mush that I've ever seen does not hold a candle to some of the middle tier drama I saw in the PTA and political orgs, Including territorialism, whisper campaigns, being spiteful to someone's face/behind their back, and even stealing money from people! There are plenty of people with unhealthy behavior problems and obsessions/attachments that glom onto volunteer groups as well. I'd say about the same percentage as mushing really, except for the impact can be a lot worse, because it is face to face, and if you think avoidance of dealing with problematic behavior on a /mush/ is bad...

Like seriously, the year before last year, when a long time much beloved political organizer locally raped a just turned 18 year old /at the state party gathering/, and was promptly removed from all posts/banned from our org, you still had many people loudly complaining about "but he does so much for the party, we cant lose that kind of talent". Sound familiar?

People are people everywhere. Mush people I think tend to be much more on the social/wanting to connect side of things than normal. It is an asset. But does it lead sometimes to hissing and spitting, yes.

The last time our family went out for sushi, that happened to one of my teens, who grabbed his drink and accidentally choked on that, which spread the wasabi burn like up until his sinuses! Super painful!

@tinuviel said in RL Anger:

If I get shot, nobody sensible is going to be giving me helpful tips like "don't go out without a bullet-proof vest."

The predatory and criminal behaviour is the only matter of concern. Literally the only one.

Unless you're in the US. Then you are told "well, if you'd only had a concealed carry weapon, you could have gotten him/her first! That's what happens when the lawmakers take away all of your guns! You should take responsibility for your own safety! If I had been there I would have head-shotted him like the sniper I see myself being in my fantasies, even though I have no training and there's no competency requirements for this loaded handgun I have stuffed down my pants."

@derp You aren't a villian. You were, however pretty fucking callous and obtuse. You DID tell me in that thread to "adult more" since I chose that profession. You DID cast doubt on me, all the while parroting the "oh well of course it's okay to be suspicious" when really if you /read that entire exchange/ it was fucking lip service at best.

What the hell do you think happens when a woman needs to report something even worse, like an actual sexual assault? THE SAME THING. Unless it's a stranger rape. Are you SURE you weren't drunk? Are you SURE you didn't lead him on? WHAT where YOU THINKING, walking around alone? Did you scream so he knew you didn't want it?

Ask any of us who have had to report to authorites (police or otherwise) a sexual assault. Why, they say the same asshole shit you have said! Did you take the (the listeners) responsibility to protect yourself? You sure you wanna ruin a good guy who might have a different persective than yours? We gotta be fair!

So yeah, that's why people react very strongly to that kind of "article". You're not stupid.

But I do think there are lots of (mostly men) people who cannot handle women (or men) who are being harassed stepping up (they worry SO MUCH about OMG what about the other guy! What if he didn't MEAN to be that way? What if he just wanted to look up an old "friend"? What if...? What if....?) and many those people cannot rape or sexual assault without some form of victim blaming. This is not the exclusive domain of men--some of the most disgusting examples of this in my personal life have been women. Why? I don't know. Giving them a feeling of power and safety, that if only people "took responsibility for protecting themselves" this shit wouldn't happen (I guess it only happens to people who don't take responsibility? Women need to be educated that they can be raped and stalked and harassed with impunity sometimes? We know.)

I am referencing this post, made to me after I described a man who I had not seen or had contact with since I was 15 years old (was now 40) showing up at my place of business to "look for me" after I had told him over email i was not interested in taking him as a client. He later showed up at my political org's public meeting, hovered in the back near me while not disclosing himself and then introduced himself to me after the meeting was over. I was granted an anti-harassment order by the court less than 3 weeks after the public meeting incident.

So derp, let me tell you what happens when women "take responsibility" for their own safety. First, many times, the people who are not right in the head brush aside words of "I'm not interested" and keep on keeping on.

And then there are also assholes who tell women to "adult more" and that they shouldn't risk hurting a man with a misunderstanding about what his intent was. That his side of the story should be just as important.

Note that you said this to me days after this incident occured when I was still freaked out.

Ask any woman who has had to report a man's problematic behavior. Or who feels unsafe. They are many times going to get a reaction like yours. Oh, dear, won't you think of his side of the story too? Maybe your emotions made you not see clearly!

It's this kind of shit why many women react so strongly to being told "take responsibility for yourself!" Bevause we do, and are also expected to take responsibility for HIM too.

@derp said in RL Anger:

@Coin said in RL Anger:

Did he show up specifically to find you?

Yes, actually. I had where I worked on Facebook. He went to Facebook, saw that, and showed up. Specifically to find me.

@Kanye-Qwest said:

If a guy randomly tried to book you to show off a Kirby vacuum at his apartment and then, when you canceled, showed up and only THEN admitted he'd been in love with you and your perfect white skin since high school and stalked you and tried to trick you into meeting him without admitting the prior acquaintance first, THEN your reaction to him showing up would be relevant.

Yes, well, forgive me if my first reaction to your statement isn't 'oh, of course, it's so obvious now! How did I not see Kanye's point all along', given your rather pronounced tendency to take anything that's even a bit off and turn it into something extremely inflammatory. At the end of the day, as much as I sympathize with @Mietze's point, it's still only one side of the story, and is skewed by her perception of events as somewhat creepy/off. (NOTE: I am -not- calling Mietze a liar, or saying she is wrong -- just that it is only one side of the story, there, and there exists a -possibility- that the intentions are more innocent than they may appear. I fully understand her hesitation in this matter.)

Sure, it's a bit suspicious, but as has been noted elsewhere, it's not necessarily serial-killer level suspicious, either. As has been noted, lots of people are trained to believe that this is a fairly straightforward gesture from many media sources. Rather than sending an e-mail to a person who might be a complete stranger, the other person set up a meeting with a person in a place that the person being met has a great deal of control -- their place of work, which is in theory a public place where they are surrounded by other people, rather than asking to, say, meet in a restaurant or something, or worse, a bar. Misguided, sure, but not necessarily sinister.

There are people to this day that I think of from high school and occasionally look up. But I also work in a university town that's fairly small for what it is, so it's not exactly hard to find someone, especially if they're still around. It's as easy as asking a friend about them.

So, as noted, while Mietze is perfectly justified in her suspicion and actions, there is potentially another side of the story, here. One in which the man is not The Devil. And I was merely trying to make the point that, sometimes, people can show up and want to get in touch with no moustache-twirling involved.

@derp When I described predatory and disturbing stalking behavior that happened to me at my business you told me that I should not rush to judgment as to his intent and that I should worry that I might ruin a good man with my fears.

That is what "educating women about how to protect themselves" often devolves into.

Are you sure you want to report strange or creepy behavior, you don't want to ruin a good man's life when you dont really know if he meant it like that.

Hope you're feeling better soon! The people I know who've gotten the upper respiratory stuff even this early on have tended to have it morph into sinus infection or pneumonia. so keep an eye on things!

I impulse bought a plug in/heated throw blanket from Costco today. Best purchase!! I am warm for the first time in like 3 days! Also it's super soft. Now I just have to keep the teenagers or husband from stealing it.