So like, I'm officially diagnosed as being bipolar. Incidentally, apparently there's a lot of coincidental symptoms that can make people think you're autistic when you have some of the most severe symptoms of being bipolar. For example, I don't just have regular mania, I have hypermania.
Anyway, I'm on this Latuda shit. I feel better. My emotions are more balanced out even though I still have regular negative emotions due to life circumstances, but I can manage.
My DNA is getting sent to a genetic testing lab, and I'm getting blood work done, to see what psych meds might work best for me.
The initial impression is that I might have a severe undiagnosed form of depression, ditto on the anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD.
@meg said in I DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU:
@HelloProject uhm, false.
Okay technically you are the exception.
Update: I have a therapist appointment for the 8th, which is the day before my birthday.
My best friend and another friend practically had to pull teeth to get me to make the appointment, but I ultimately did it.
If anyone in the MUing world on my massive and very old email contact list got a thing asking you to join a dating site, it's because I accidentally pressed a button that invited my entire contact list to the site >__>.
Hello! Updates.
I'm trying to find a therapist. Everyone ever is under the impression that I'm on the "spectrum", I don't know about all that, but at the very least I'm pretty damned sure I have ADHD and other weird brain shit going on, so I wanna get help managing these things.
I'm trying to do code stuff again, doing the Harvard CS50 course thing. Hopefully I don't just, y'know, stop.
I worked retail for 4 months.
Predictably had a nervous breakdown and quit.
Never again.
I'm in a weird relationship with a GIRL. Like, a real girl. There is a girl who exists and I kiss this girl.
Incidentally, she does what everyone here always wished they could do. I start talking a lot and spamming irl and then she just covers my mouth and goes "Shhhhh, just, give me like five minutes, please, stop talking".
My music is going well, I think, maybe. I still have a long way to go, my music skill isn't where I want it to be yet.
日本語は勉強します。多分。
So yeah I'm still studying Japanese.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you an annual "I'm not dead yet" update.
I'm on Mega Man MUSH if anyone wants to RP with me. Thinking of maybe joining Fallcoast to scratch this vampire itch.
Here's some black people music.
(If you're looking for information on the company instead, please go here and scroll down to the latest updates: http://helloproject.wikia.com/wiki/Hello!_Project_Wiki)
I for a brief period entirely quit MUing because I've been having possibly the most elaborate emotional breakdown of my entire life, which I am still partially in the middle of having. However, unlike usual, I didn't just fuck off to Shang or learn a new language or any of the other random shit I do when this happens, I've actually gotten a job.
I'm working retail, and hilariously after a month I'm kind of close to getting a promotion. With the way things are going, I could be making like $12 an hour in a few months, over my current $8. Though I'm still trying to do music shit, as my intent is still to become a music producer/DJ person maybe or whatever. tl;dr Make music money somehow.
I've also gone through my usual start stop business on tech career shit. I can never seem to maintain steam on pursuing a tech career, I always just end up wanting to spend my time learning and producing music shit, so I don't know, I guess we'll see what happens.
Retail has been interesting. Yesterday I basically had to live through a glorified episode of Death Note, but it all worked out, kind of. I mean, if that lady continues her current behavior, pretty sure she's going to jail soon. But either way, that's fine.
My intent is to go to Portugal for a week in January, for my birthday. But outside of that, I'm more or less saving money and trying my best to execute my plans. We'll see how far I can ride this retail train and where I can take it while I try to get my music shit off the ground. All else fails I'm still studying IT on the side when I feel motivated, even though I already know a lot of that shit already.
Oh and I reached enlightenment for an entire day and discovered the meaning of life, and then was like fuck it I'm good.
tl;dr: I'm still alive even though I'm in the middle of a very elaborate emotional breakdown. But at least I'm not ridiculously broke anymore.
Today I realized that the longer I stay in the house, the more mentally unhealthy I become, and then when I go out and see people that I like, it's like I hit the reset button on my mental state.
I feel like I should learn something from this.
Finally, a documentary about idols that isn't a borderline racist Weird Japan hit piece.
This is primarily about the subculture of Anti-Idols, but it covers enough about idols overall to be a general primer. Hell it even dropped at least two groups I didn't know already, so he definitely did his research, and out of the stockpile of video clips used, there were -three- music videos I didn't see already!
Someone I barely know, who wrote a supplement for the tabletop book I freelanced on, noticed that I tend to get depressed (for lack of a better way to describe it) and not cook or eat properly for weeks until it passes, so she randomly bought me a toaster oven and a rice cooker.
Eating proper food while in a general mood where I don't even want to move or exist sometimes has been really helpful. I've been in a generally good mood lately.
Normally eating while in these weeks long phases isn't a huge problem, since with a microwave I just eat frozen dinners forever, but the microwave exploded a few months ago by shooting electricity repeatedly at a bag of popcorn and setting it on fire.
But now I can eat somewhat decent food, and I can even learn to bake in some minor ways, so I'm pretty excited. It just makes everything easier, and I don't feel overwhelmed by, y'know, having to feed myself.
I thought I'd post again, since today is weird.
This morning I thought we had an earthquake, since my bed was shaking and it felt like the earthquake we had years ago. Then I read online that we did not, in fact, have an earthquake.
Due to my upbringing, and googling "bed shaking" on the internet, I quickly came to the conclusion that my bed was haunted due to the fact that I spent the last few weeks telling ghosts to come fight me because I'll kick their ass. Then the other day I declared that ghosts did not exist because they clearly never seem to show up. It all made sense.
Then I remembered that I have an actual medically diagnosed disorder that causes me to have waking hallucinations (sleep paralysis), among other related symptoms that come with it, plus only sleeping for about 4 hours a night for like the last week or so and having a weird headache.
So like, I'm thinking it's probably my brain and not ghosts, but just in case I think I might give my bed a mild exorcism when I can find some olive oil.
I apologize for my behavior the other day.
I think I'm gonna withdraw from the greater hobby at large for the time being. I'll only be in one MU due to irl connections.
I won't be responding to anything, so just assume I don't see anything after this post.
I don't think I'm ever gonna change, and I'm tired of this endless cycle of fucking up and being crazy.
I'm still working on my game but I don't think I'm the person who should be running it, because I don't think anyone would want me to, so I might just make it as an art project, I don't know. If there's a major update on that, I'll post again.
That's all, later.
I saw it mentioned on Facebook that the co-creator of White Wolf/core creator of Mage died suddenly. I don't have a link or anything to provide more information.
I don't see why having self-awareness is considered emo or self-depreciating.
I thought Vaspider playing the victim all the time and pretending like she's being persecuted was considered a negative thing, and that Vaspider being self-aware would be a positive thing so that she can actually be mindful of her own behavior.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that.
https://twitter.com/macgyverlizard?lang=en
THERE ARE A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT GIANT LIZARDS, LIKE, A TON OF THEM, AND PEOPLE KEEP TH EM AS PETS!!!
GIANT LIZARDS EXIST< THE COMMODO DRAGON ISN"T THE ONLYGIANT LIZARD IN THE WORLD!!!
PEOPLE KEEP THEM AS PETS OMG THERE'S SO MAN GIANT LIZARDS WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!
THERE"S A BUNCH OF SPECIES AND THEY"RE PETS AND PEOPLE HAVE THEM!!!!
Update:
My mother treated my stepdad like shit for no less than 10+ hours today, and I could barely sleep through that + my neighbors drilling holes in the wall. Then my stepdad finally snapped and threatened to burn the house down with everyone in it.
Personally I hope he does it, I'm just about done with all of this shit and if I can't even have five minutes of peace to get my shit together, I'd quite honestly rather he just fucking do it than me have to spend more time here.
MUers are some of the only people who have made me feel like I have a family except for my grandparents and my best friend.
Everyone else just wants to fucking fight over stupid shit, do insane fucking manipulative witchcraft bullshit because apparently old people have nothing better to do, or just be con artists and try to talk me into joining pyramid schemes.
Granted, my birth father's side of the family are really, really good at somehow actually succeeding when they join a pyramid scheme, I don't wanna fucking do it.
My family makes me feel isolated, on top of all the shit my immediate family has done that's delayed my life so much. This is why I work so hard and why I've dedicated myself to trying to learn music and code and stuff. I just want to get out of this and be independent.