To get something out of the way, just in case there's any confusion on this point:
This is meant to address people I think I have behaved unfairly toward based on information from someone I since come to realize is a grossly unreliable narrator.
It is limited to that, and that only.
To try to extend this to anybody I may have offended over the years? Well, that would be ridiculous; not everyone I may have offended at some point in time is due to this, and to claim as much would be:
...so hopefully, that is clear enough that there won't be any confusion about that part.
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I am not going to repeat the 'gossip' and badmouthing I heard about these individuals in the public thread.
It is bad enough it was passed on to me, and I made assumptions about its accuracy. I am not willing to take part in even potentially spreading those accusations and suspicions about those involved.
So, if you're looking for some tell-all of the things I've heard about people over time like some kind of secret gossip trove about all and sundry coming to light, you're going to be really bored and disappointed. Sorry not sorry about that.
There's another important thing to note: I don't often actually pay much attention to this sort of thing, and was subject to a veritable flood of it for a couple of years. As a result, I am not going to remember everything that's come my way (read: may be floating around out there otherwise as well) because it went in one ear and out the other at the time.
I do actually feel awful about this specifically, because while it means it didn't necessarily impact my actions? It may have for someone else hearing the same, and I'm unable to give a heads-up about it at this time, which I would very much like to be able to do if I am able. While I was able to guess at some of the crazy claims being made based on bizarre reactions to nothing I was at all aware of hearing before, let alone doing, or comments from folks, I had no idea how extreme they were. I may have been able to do something to protect myself if I had; I was legitimately too stupid and trusting to realize I needed to protect myself from this person at all for a very long time. If there's something I can do to prevent someone being stuck in a similar position, I want to try.
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I don't think (any combination of the following applies): 'oh, jeez, I done learned my lesson and got me some lumps, pity me now! See how hard I have it? I'm upset! Being mad at me would be mean! I totally have an excuse! I was lied to! You'd do the same in my shoes! See how burned I am? LOOK AT MY SCARS! Aren't they terrible? Isn't it all so awful what happened to me? You can't be mad at me, still, knowing that! Not if you have any sort of heart at all! I'm only human and will screw up sometimes, if you're only human, too, you can't be upset or you're a hypocrite!'
That would be stupid.
That is not my call to make.
I don't get to tell (generic) you, "You don't get to be mad at me now!" about this, and I'm not even going to try that; that's a self-serving head-game. Trying to guilt-trip people into not being mad would be some epic garbage. (It is epic garbage. If you see someone throw themselves a pity party once called on bad behavior, or admitting such, whether that admission is forced or volunteered? Don't let someone exploit your empathy like that; it's another hard lesson learned here. This is a hallmark of bad actors.)
Further, I'm not going to go down the list of shit I've been through RL in the past few years in a plea for understanding or compassion on those grounds, either.
First? Everyone has their own shit just like it -- there isn't a person here who hasn't been through shit themselves. Did it spare them getting griefed? NO. It'd be a dazzling sort of entitled bullshit to think that if the person subject to bad behavior doesn't get a pass, the person engaging in the bad behavior should for any reason once it comes back around to them.
More importantly? It doesn't fucking matter or make a difference; it is not an excuse.
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If this sounds angry? It's because I am angry. Someone invested a great deal of time and effort into making me angry, and they've got their wish.
I am spectacularly fucking furious with myself for being a real asshole to some folks who never got the chance to defend themselves. In some cases, it was visible here; in others, it may have only ever been snarky thoughts in my head, but that's not somehow fine and dandy, either.
This is not a joke -- when I realized what was up, I was physically ill. Run to the bathroom and barf for twenty solid minutes kinds of ill. It hit like a hammer, rather than being a buzzing gnat in of stupid drama that wouldn't stay out of my face that the rest of this stupid shit I personally dealt with from this person is. So while this is mentioned last? That isn't because it's nothing more than an afterthought.
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As to the following, if anyone wants to discuss any specifics, please PM. (Obviously, flame whatever tickles your fancy if you feel the need, but I'm trying to keep the details of things out of public view to not further spread the shit-whispers I was hearing around.)
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#1: Scorn (and ???).
No, I should not have risen to the bait to share that quote, full stop. It doesn't matter what the 'we just want to see drama' peanut gallery says, and I should have known better than to let it get me riled into wrong action.
I said I wouldn't share it publicly, and sharing it publicly was not OK for any reason, period.
As to the other party? Don't know their name here, if they have an account at all. You didn't want this shared, either. While I do personally not think well of you for reasons entirely distinct from this situation, that doesn't make it somehow OK to subject you to crap of any kind. (Duh.)
I know well why you both have concerns about this coming back on you even if not many others understand it, and that makes it doubly NOT OK to have done. (I was amazed by how many people popped up to voice understanding of those concerns who were unwilling or felt too uncomfortable to pipe up in the thread for obvious reasons. I hope y'all can take some small comfort from that, which is why I share it here.)
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#2: Jealousy and bored.
Welp, I pulled the most dunderheaded display of hypocritical bullshit ever, guys. For all the fucking whining about 'what in the actual hell, why did no one talk to me to find out the truth here?' I... did not actually talk to Jealousy before just assuming I was being shown the whole truth, again. (I mean, jeebus, you'd think I'd learn, but... nope, didn't.)
I didn't pull my head out of my ass here fast enough to not stick my foot in my mouth, shove the other one in right next to it, and tap dance around for a bit before the lightbulb dimly started to flicker on.
I am grateful you were willing to speak with me about it after that, Jealousy. I would not have faulted you for it if you had not. This speaks volumes for your personal character, and it should be said in public view.
bored, while we have definitely had our differences, things have seemed chill for a fairly long while. As a result, it was spectacularly shitty of me to buy a line of bull about you just hating me and the other party so much that something shady went down to screw us both over. I didn't approach you to talk since I'm still not sure how cool you are with that in general, or I would have. It was seriously shitty of me to think this could have been the reason for any of this for even a few hours.
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#3: Botulism.
I should have wised up to what was going on far more quickly and page-locked both parties.
I am very bad at pretending someone doesn't exist and ignoring them when they're throwing things in my face constantly, and I need to get a lot better at that.
I am furious with myself that I allowed this circumstance to continue as long as it did in your space.
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#4: Roz, saosmash, and Kanye-Quest (and the forum at large in regard to this specific point)
Not going to repeat the shit-whisper, but it was about Roz and saosmash, specifically, about characters they play on Arx. How the matter was described as 'being handled' by Kanye-Quest was included in this.
It had a dramatic impact on my perception of all of you, and I should never have allowed that to happen. It definitely contributed to a lot of hostility on the forums that should never have existed at all.
This made things uncomfortable for a number of people in completely unacceptable ways, and it was shitty of me to do. It may not have been the start of the tension, but it certainly was lighter fluid shot into that fire that sustained it for a considerable period of time.
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#5: Mietze
Like a few others, a lot of the shit-whispers went in one ear and out the other because I knew you before it began. It didn't mean it didn't play a part in critical moments when frustration would rear its head and I'd hear a repetition.
Out of everyone, you, I knew better than to believe any of this shit about, but I still allowed it to ramp up my temper in times of conflict, and more than once, to read things in entirely the wrong way with lots of yelling and stupidity.
Out of everyone, you have been the most understanding when I was unstupid enough to apologize for shooting off my mouth along the way. That did not go unnoticed, and it matters. It should have counted for a lot more than it did, too -- a fuck of a lot more.
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#6: Cupcake
Again, the shit-whispers more or less sailed over my head, because I don't really know you or (no offense) have much of an opinion in any direction other than 'someone who is in the hobby some of my friends have an issue with but I don't see any problem with'. There were a fair share of them, though.
This is one of those cases in which I wish I remembered what was said to provide it as information, so if you suddenly found people talking crazy about one of these things, you'd know why. I do know more than enough about you to know you do not deserve to be in that position at all, and I feel like a garbage person that I'm no help there.
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#7: Cobalt
Not repeating it, full stop.
I should not have listened to it, particularly because many things touched on RL situations that are not anyone's business but yours. It doesn't matter that I didn't ask for this information; RL info is a hard line and there's no excuse for me not saying, "Stop right there," the moment it started.
There were a few things that I have come to recognize as 'tells' now that should have been obvious to me much sooner that the things that were game-related were not reasonable or accurate, either, but even if they were?
It wasn't my business, and I should have told the gossip to shut the fuck up.
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#8: The Other Party @HorrorMU
I should have been much more clear and firm with you that I was not willing to put up with the abuse I was taking, and cut ties fully the moment it came to light.
This may not have done me any good re: the abusive behavior going on, from all accounts, but it would have likely prevented needless stress for you from compounding further. (At a certain point, that is the best case scenario; I should have recognized that was it much sooner than I did, and made it happen.)
Stress is the last thing I want anyone to contend with in the place they're looking to chill out and have fun, and this situation persisting allowed it to continue.
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To all of the folks above, I am sincerely sorry.
"I trusted the wrong person" is not an excuse -- especially for me, because y'all are well-familiar with my constant stream of incidents of trusting the wrong people.
I have no excuse to have not learned better by now.
I have less than no excuse for not spotting the patterns before I did, and making better choices than the choices I made at the time.
Even not knowing better does not excuse the actions described above, and I do regret those mistakes, and the wrong-headed or mean-spirited choices I have made. They've caused stress, tension, hurt, and division that were entirely unnecessary and unacceptable.
