Best posts made by mietze

My 5 year old keeps on telling me he's using "destruction paper" for his project and it's adorable.

To the original-ish point though, boundary setting is not so much about what you do TO or FOR other people. It's more deciding in advance how YOU will react, when someone's behavior starts to feel violating to you, before it gets to the point of being an actual violation..

This is why I don't use the same thought process behind boundary setting that I do towards someone being abusive. That can happen out of left field that someone decides to violate you. It can happen from "friends" or strangers. Once that has been done, I think boundaries are kind of beside the point. They do not prevent abusers from abusing. I think that should be made super clear.

Boundaries will /not prevent abusive people from continuing on with their abusive behavior/. What they can do though is help increase your comfort because you've come up with a plan of action when things start to brush up against issues/behaviors that make you feel extremely uncomfortable. Not that they'll make you immune from having to deal with it. Like you really cannot escape that in interacting with other humans.

Deciding that you will speak up when you feel that you are being belittled, or that you will page or send a mail privately to someone if they are making ooc comments towards you that are unkind or seem to be belittling or that you will check in periodically with someone for reassurance--these are all great and healthy boundaries. They're about actions that you can take to protect yourself and to check yourself before an issue becomes something more than that.

Deciding in the moment that if someone that you have RPed with for months and months about a certain subject or in a certain line of play ask you for it one more time you will demand they change or cut ties since obviously they're not getting the hints you've dropped along the way that you really don't like it--that is a reaction (and probably an understandable one) but you have been violating your own boundary by never directly stating that you don't want this to happen and want it to stop. You should probably expect some surprise/shock/bad feelings from that person because it is hard to be told something you thought the other person liked they've hated this whole time, and they may wonder what else you've been hiding. It may lead to a breach of trust that they feel happened on your end too. It's not going to be comfortable for either of you, but there's no reason a reasonable person can't work it out. It is reasonable they may have mixed feelings for awhile, but you will get what you want (a stop to that behavior) most of the time. It just may not be as comfortable as you'd like it to be Which is okay.

Similarly, someone who responds to a request of "Please don't joke on the ooc channel about PKing my pc or If you have a question or a concern about what I'm doing with this job/requestplot ect I'd like it to be brought to me privately rather than you questioning me about it on pub channel as soon as I log in" or even worse "I really love the relationship we've built between our two PCs but I would like to branch out a bit with our play and not TS/do slice of life/whatever with our PCs for awhile, can we please do X or Y or Z instead to take a little break?" with "ZOMG WELL SINCE I'M SO HORRIBLE I'LL NEVER RP WITH YOU AGAIN AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME EVER AGAIN!!!!" is clearly not someone with healthy boundaries or probably even capable of discussing that with you. You're going to have to be uncomfortable, but probably they'll no longer be pestering you or making public comments about you. You cannot control them or their feelings. Putting limits to how much of that you will tolerate before speaking up or asking for intervention won't control it either. Nor will it absolve you of discomfort.

Knowing other people don't like you, or that you have inadvertently hurt someone else--is not comfortable. Sometimes it's helpful to have a plan on how you will act/what you will and won't give should your own behavior be brought to light as having hurt or made someone else uncomfortable.

Boundaries just are not magical things. I think they're most valuable for keeping your choices and your own behavior on the up and up.

Today I got a really sweet warm fuzzy. A regular client who has been in and out a ton dealing with a lot of power of attorney/death/change of address and other issues that we have taken turns helping get everything straightened out account and paperwork wise brought a box of godiva chocolates for us to say thank you. And another who I see every week came in after I left yesterday and left a really cute Happy Friendsgiving decoration and a very sweet note for me (it was waiting at my station this morning). For all the aggravation that working for The Man can be, as well as having to help people in distress or stress taking it out on you, I really adore many of our regulars.

Maybe we should get rid of the leaderboards since they seem to be used as a reason to be shitty to other people and to get resentful or think that if you don't have 6s in everything that you are useless

Less than 48 hours until my parents arrive, which means my appetite is shot and I am on emotional high alert until they are gone. (Thankfully only a week this time and they are not staying at my house, so I will be able to sleep). Compounding things this year is an enthusiastic biological family who are so very kind and inclusive (and thankfully patient) but whose love I really can't accept. Which I feel outrageously guilty about, and am trying the best I can.

I hate this time of year. I seem to have done an okay job of not passing this stuff on to my own kids, so I think I'm just going to try to focus on their relaxation and happiness and attempt to box up the worst of my anxiety about my mom having another break while they are here. She's only had one ragefit at me this month, which is the best yet, so I'm keeping finger (and toes and eyes) crossed.

All this to say that I think when you are dealing with someone who is not really capable or willing to see their role in things, no matter how big or small, I just really do not think it ever helps to "confront" them. I mean you can try but usually they will take that as more ammunition (though it also can cover your ass, especially online where they might share it because they believe that they are in the right, and then the other person can see the reaction for themselves, and can see that the person is blind to their behavior.) or "proof" that you are not the nice person you think you are and/or just are a horrible person who has always been out to get them/doesnt understand, ect.

I think when you are dealing with an otherwise calm person who is having some struggles or is lashing out, talking to them about it can be very productive, because they are able to process criticism or concern without immediately funneling it into an "attack" that then sets off a chain of other reactions. But if you really are dealing with someone who cannot or will not see or admit fault and will deflect even very small things as well as big things, then I personally have found trying to confront or speak with them almost always leads to more hurt and damage than simply distancing, or backing away. There are very few instances where I have talked to people who resist any suggestion of harm they are causing by their behavior that I have not regretted it. I cannot think of a single instance where talking to people who seemed very behavior blind to their effects on others ever resulted in that person changing their behavior--it always resulted in an attack, and a sustained one, even if it happened not in my presence (usually how it goes).

That goes for my mother, for people in MUSHing, people in community orgs, even clients.

People who can deal with behavior or incident discussion rarely enjoy the conversation (it's awkward on either side), but even if there are upset feelings that usually is productive. I am so grateful for the many times that people have approached me, and for the majority of people who have been open when I approached them.

So I'm always willing to talk with someone once or twice about issues that rise to the level and frequency where I feel like I need to bring it up. (It's a high bar, I do not give feedback or even talk about boundaries until there have been several incidents, since I think anyone can have a one off day). But once I know that they are not willing or capable of dealing with it or that they go into knee jerk attack mode (or slow burn attack mode for that matter), I find it better to just back off, withdraw, and leave them the fuck alone.

I havent killed anyone yet!

@peasoupling I love historical setting games, but that is one of my least favorite parts about it, the competitive masturbation on channel about who is more educated about what esoteric historical accuracy that like hasn't even come up in the scope of the game, and how everyone else is an idiot for not knowing everything like the masturbator does.

I think I might need to call in tomorrow to calm nerves. Every day I have gone in to work despite road conditions, and then end up being held up, and the weather deteriorates before I have to leave. I love my coworkers, but I had to hike up hill after (safely, out of the way) abandoning my car at the base of a hill and hiking into my neighborhood (in my bank clothes) yesterday and almost had to do the same today (thank goodness for a well timed placement of a patch that had been shoveled to the pavement to dig out a car that gave me enough of a run to make the final ascent) and I think I'm going to just not chance it tomorrow if the roads are at all icy.

Still dealing with flu complications and this fucking job is barely above minimum wage, so I think I'm just gonna choose safety and no palpitations tomorrow, and stay home.

Usually when I have heard pansexual being used by people actually think of themselves as that, it means that they are open attracted to all forms of gender identity (not just male/female) and genitalia.

I think a significant number of people who prefer the term bi for themselves would fall into that category, but not all. (Not everyone is attracted to nonbinary or trans people, who is attracted to cis men and women).

Sorry dude, I can't pull an official 1099 out of my ass for you, they're mailed by corporate this friday. Also when I have reversed engineered a solution for a number you can give your accountant maybe do not scream and threaten me that it better be right or I'll be in trouble, because then I'll just tell you to use the online information you have to figure it out yourself.

Go fuck yourself, hopefully you dont shit on too many other people on your way to your vacation. I bet your accountant just loooooves you.

Rinse wash repeat with like three other tall older men all of which were clearly going for the loud/personal space invasion intimidation tactic today about similar issues.

Still not as bad as the screaming dude we almost pulled the panic button on a few months ago but today was a real shit day. I love my job for many reasons, I get to play with fun office equipment and other specialized stuff, I get to have my own stampy things and a big ass key ring, I love my coworkers and most of our regulars but today I might've cried a little on the drive home.

Sometimes the energy people project just feels like a weapon.

I find it easier these days on my game to just slip off a channel or leave if there's someone there who's being obnoxious ooc. Whether that is mansplaining, just being an arrogant offputting ass or super TMI.

If it looks like it's bleeding into ICness (like someone loudly complaining IC about how stupid and useless a voluntary, social event is that they have chosen to attend) then I respond IC, which tends to make someone who was primarily using it as a passive aggressive attempt to OOCly complain either shut up or leave since they don't have any ACTUAL interest in RPing about it, or it turns into something fun and bantery if being an ass was actually just an IC thing.

Obnoxious people are obnoxious. I'm cautious about thinking anyone has an agenda per se rather than being just a selfish dick, just because accusing someone of "well of course you only play that kind of PC to promote your SJW agenda" is something that is used sometimes to silence or shame people.

I think "that guy is playing to an agenda" is as likely to mean "I don't like that type of character" as anything else. I don't automatically assume that someone playing an obnoxious bigot or mean person is playing to an agenda either. It could be that someone playing the Woke AF SJW is well aware, like someone playing a bully PC, that they are obnoxious IC. Or they're like other players of obnoxious PCs of any stripe, where they are either selfcentered or unable to be discerning of others around them enjoying the play, or well, they just like being dicks.

Not sure what group (but I will try to find out when I have bandwidth this weekend) went around and put "Class of 2020, we love you" with the high school logo printed yard signs in the seniors' yards or at their apartment doors sometime this morning/afternoon.

I saw the sign when I came home from work and needed to have a tearful moment in the car before coming in. That plus a surprise package of new college gear (sweats plus hoodie plus shirt) from us and some surprise cash from grandparents made my oldest smile bigger than I've seen in months.

I have been so mentally exhausted when I am home and burnt out I was worried about being able to do special things like that when I'd seen them pop up for other schools, but someone in the community made it happen. My eldest has been pretty sad as the reality of prom/senior breakfast, grad party, and graduation being cancelled has hit in the last few weeks.

It was nice to have a reprieve, today.

I was not allowed to read anything but Christian fiction, the NKJV or NIV bibles, and certain concordances and Christian authors' nonfiction at home, until I was in the 7th grade (Also no musical exposure to anything but hymns, classical music, and modern Christian music, except when we were moving and driving cross country, then I got to listen to Abba and country, because my dad hated religious music). Before then I just would try read every book in the base library at each post (I started in the nonfiction session though, so didn't really get a lot of exposure to regular fiction) so despite the effort I was exposed to a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have been. My 7th grade teacher first put a science fiction book in my hand (Ender's Game, perfect for a nerdy weird military brat) and then I expanded my secret reading quite a lot. I still had to hide my nonsanctioned reading material though.

In high school I got into D&D oddly, with a group of similarly nerdy weird sheltered kids. By then my mom was sufficiently in her illness enough that pretty much I could do whatever I wanted and she didn't notice. So I spent weekend away playing D&D, Twilight2000, Shadowrun, GURPS, CP2020, ect. When I went to college I got hooked into the college RPG guild which was eye opening for how male gamers were 'expected' to behave in the 90s, finally met other women who gamed and we formed our own group so that we didn't have to hear all the rape jokes and weirdness. I got introduced to MUing my last year in school, and found I liked it even more than tabletop, and still got to be social.

I still find I am missing large chunks of pop culture that I've not caught up on. And I have a very similar problem of many self-taught compulsive overreaders I've met where I mispronounce many words that I know/use just fine in writing, because I only learned them through reading. It's funny sometimes! Now I primarily just enjoy watching all 3 of my kids and their friends all blossom into mega nerds who are not quite as awkward and weird as I was. I think my oldest actually RPs online, but it's not on MUSHes, it's a play by post thing but different. He tried to explain it to me once but I got way lost.

I am getting my eyebrows partially ripped out of my face tomorrow, and can't wait!! Though I am kinda rocking the strong brow look right now.

If you were to use something similar on game, if the concern is that one person might derail a whole scene were topics were disclosed in advance, why not tool it as something that a player can signal a no-harm-no-foul you guys are awesome but I need to exit (without worrying about offending the others)?

I know that we have had FTB for years, but there can be some negative assumptions and comments that result (or people THINK that there will be, because of past experiences). I have said before I think most problems of discomfort and communication breakdowns tend to happen because people do not know how to exit quickly and graciously (or accept another's exit). Maybe this would help if adopted into the culture.

My big floofcat usually prefers hubby, but she has been draping all over me today snoring and drooling and kneading and purring and trilling at me when I try to get up. Apparently The Queen has decided I should get more rest today.

I think too as an ST you have to develop a thick skin about accusations of favoritism. I did have some people fuss about my requirements as far as timed response and that I wasn't being fair. Unless you are the ONLY person running events and stuff though, I'm not sure you should worry about doing something to fit everyone's style.

As a player I also try to keep that in mind. That it is okay for me to be disappointed and bummed out that I can't participate because something is too fast/too slow/too large/at a time I can't make it. And if you want to be STing for a while without burning out you need to know/set your limits and kind if learn to listen but then let go when people are upset if they're beyond that. There is such a bottomless pit of need vs available time for STs, you have to pace yourself. It would be nice if players were more aware but I am not sure how realistic that is, and you cant really stop people from venting their frustration to/at/around you.