Two things had me ugly crying in the car yesterday. Sorry, this is really long.
I need to preface this by saying that my eldest kid came out to us as genderqueer 4 years ago, and trans 2 years ago. I think it was his way of softening the perceived blow. Luckily for us we have always had a very diverse group of friends so we were not afraid of /him/...just other people outside of our bubble, and extended family. We decided to proceed with coming out at his directed pace.
Junior high was very difficult. The administration at his school was not super friendly even to gay students, so his decision was to be out as queer, but not transgender. Over those two years I saw my quirky teen turn into someone who rarely smiled, was quiet even amongst close friends, grades plummeting, anxiety skyrocketing. There is surprisingly not a whole lot of support for trans youth that's accessible in our area, but we found bits and pieces and he finally got together a local face to face network of support, friends at all stages, and adults who have been there too.
So this year at his first year of local high school, he decided to be totally out at school and in the community (not yet extended far away and very religious and bigoted family). I have my child back, finally. I can't believe how much lighter and freer in the world he is, though of course there is pushback too.
Anyway--clothes shopping used to be fun for him ages ago but he's had some horrible experiences and comments when he was still semi-closeted in community. He's been hiding in dad's hand me downs and tees when this is our one kid that really loves fashion and always has. He asked his girlfriend to homecoming though and she wanted to wear a semiformal dress, so--suit shopping.
But he...doesn't fit the mold for most menswear to say the least, his dad is 50 and hasn't worn even business casual for like 20 years at this point, and I have the men's fashion sense of a hole in the ground.
So we went to an upscale department store. And I found the youngest most hipster looking staff person there on the sportswear section and asked him to help. He did not look at my son weirdly, or ask if we were in the right section or act overly fawning or condescending. Instead he asked my son if he had a picture of his date's outfit and let's get this done. He put together a great perfect outfit, educated my son about the kinds of brands/styles that would fit and look best for his body, etc. when we were done my son could not stop grinning or looking in the mirror, and that is the first time I'd seen that happen since he was my very little girl putting together outfits from the dress up box and parading in glee.
I almost lost it in the fitting room lounge. And yes, I am writing a handwritten card to that lovely man so I can bring it over to the store later. I just burst into tears after every other line so I'm giving myself the weekend. Jesus Christ menswear is expensive but it was worth every penny and I hope he works on commission!
Second, with less of a story, is seeing the delight on my son's gf's face when she saw his outfit, and they let me take a picture before running off arm in arm to join their waiting group of friends. She's a wonderful kiddo that we've known for years. And when I picked them up after the dance to drop off home, hearing them laugh and tell me excitedly about what went on and how much fun they had--I almost lost it again. For at least a little while longer, my baby is still safe in our little community bubble we've built.
Ally Steinfeld has been on my mind all weekend. There are people out there who would happily murder and mutilate my son because of who he is, to say nothing of the drive to take away his personhood even in our state and federally.
But at least for a little while longer he can live in this bubble of fiercely protective friends, church community (we are UUs), and allies. And my tears yesterday were ones of joy and gratefulness.