Best posts made by Paris

@Ghost re: slagging: I learned a long while back that folks with a grudge will use forums like this (and this one, too) to dishonestly try to sway public opinion about folks they don't like. That, unfortunately, happens in any roleplay community, as it's a really toxic and inevitable component of fandom in general.

A few folks will pile on even if the accusations are outright false, because there's always that type of outraged person around. But most people, in game, will still play with you anyway and most people will have no clue about the haterade being spewed. Most don't give a shit about the drama and just want to rp.

I've had a very few people come to me in a panic over unfounded accusations about a third party solely based on stuff here. They ended up admitting they had never seen the behavior described, or talked to anyone who had ever directly seen that behavior, and eventually concluded that maybe they should trust their lying eyes more, and internet rumors less.

My suggestion is always to just keep being a decent person. You can't stop liars from lying (it is pointless to engage with a liar because they only double down and they want you to respond), but if you aren't doing what you're said to do, reasonable people will notice the consistency over time.

@aerianyx We tend to see mental stuff as separate, as if it's just a matter of not trying hard enough, or not making oneself being happy enough, or malingering, or whatever. But the brain is an organ, too.

I have Lupus, which is also an invisible illness. My immune system attacks my body and causes chemical imbalances. It's not like a broken leg; it's ongoing, and sometimes the effects are subtle, and debilitating.

That's how things like depression and anxiety work. They're chemical imbalances, sometimes they cause inflammation, lethargy, fatigue, sleepnessness. It's the brain physically not working properly.

That's why you see a doctor.

Sure, 'others suffer more'. I had stage 3c cancer. Some people get stage 4, should I not have gone to the doctor? I have type 2 diabetes, should I not have that monitored by my doc every month because some people have type 1? My feet aren't falling off, does that mean I should just suck it up and produce more insulin? It's not that bad, right?

Tell that to my friends, several of whom have died and one of whom is in dialysis right now because they didn't monitor and treat their diabetes.

That's the same kind of trap as avoiding help because you're struggling with your brain. It's okay. Society is absolutely stupid about this, but don't let it sabotage your well-being.

@Ghost Re: the thread in question: there will always be people (here included) who will be happy to make things look worse than they really are; who will turn a minor situation into proof that you are the worst person ever, or hijack things to grind their axe.

Never give them fodder. Good intentions will still be twisted around.

In your case, it's tough, because just messaging someone once ('Hey, I'm sorry, etc,') will bring on accusations of harassment and doom and woe; or going back to a game to say anything will net you the same, so you think, 'hey, we're all on soapbox...' But, no.

It's why, after I got ghosted by folks I thought were decent friends, I didn't follow to find out why (I saw what happened to others), or ask here; I just accept that sometimes, there is no closure or explanation on anyone's parts, and trying to re-open a closed door anywhere only results in unpleasantness.

People know who and where you are, they'll find you if they want you. That's what I tell myself, and devote my energy to people who want it. If you worry about your own past behavior, just be a better person now and acknowledge things if brought up to you.

@Ghost I don't see the point in devil's advocating just to do it. It just becomes concern trolling.

We've both been targets of jerks and their cliques. I agree that using MUsoapbox for that is shitty, as it has been used for that.

This, however, is not that. It's not even arguable because she is, factually, a serial, years-long, predator who uses her staff and PCs to fuck with others, including cockblocking, slagging, and, yes, literal witch hunts (including trying to get other pcs killed for no IC reason).

She's normalised this behavior for her sycophants and has actively cultivated relationships with headstaff so she can behave with impunity. She's normalised this behavior for staff.

She's currently gloating to the people she abused about her ins with FH headstaff.

You're comparing that to what happened to us and to others. It's not remotely the same.

@Rook They could try not doing the thing, and accept that because they chose to do the thing for so long, they blew a lot of trust that might not come back.

If their intent is genuine, they would accept the consequences of their behavior. That's true acknowledgment of abusive behavior: all you can control is your own. If you're a better person, act like one.

In this case, there is no acknowledgment, only gloating at having an in with headstaff and accusing her victims of being creeps.

So imo the question in this case is pointless: there is no honest attempt to be better. The hypothetical is moot.

For both players and staff: Try to more often say yes instead of no.

Be willing to go out of your comfort zone. Obviously not in cases of abuse or that will bork theme, but be willing to deal with whatever weird shit will come up.

Find a reason to go to the thing. Find a reason to make the thing work.

Accept that some people are determined to interpret everything you say or do as the worst thing ever. Accept that they will try to get others to agree because there is validation in being chronically aggrieved. Accept that you don't need to engage or argue: if you are not actually doing what they say you are, it should blow over.

Log things. I need to do more of that.

If you don't intend to do jobs, don't take on a role that requires you to do jobs. If you do, do them before you roleplay. Do them first, not last. Do them for everyone, not just your friends. Do them in a timely manner. Do them even of you don't like who submitted them. Make sure your staff keeps on them. Get admins who like to do them. (I have quit games because staffers chronically refused to do jobs in a timely manner- it should not take a month and a half to answer a yes or no question, or approve a prp, especially if similar jobs get rushed through for friends of staff.) If one slips through the cracks, apologise and then do it asap.

Basically, you will have to slog through stuff other than roleplay, and if you hate that shit to the point where you actively avoid it (whether it's jobs, dealing with players, plots, whatever), make sure your admins are doing it.

When you fuck up, or when your staff does, rectify it and acknowledge it. Conversely, don't dick over your staff if they don't deserve it. If you really like a staffer but they shit on players, or they are really good at a thing but they shit on players, drop them from staff. If you need to create elaborate rules to mitigate that staffer's issues, they don't belong there, either. Yes, it's your game, but enabling abuse is shitty.

Same goes for players: even if they are good at some things, running things, if they are regularly shitting ooc on players, show them the door. Yes, even if they are adept at skirting just under the rules. You are allowed to remove ooc drama from your game.

Lastly, no one forces you to take any and all players on your game. It's your game.

@Thenomain said in How Do I Headwiz?:

• People are helping you run the game, from staffers to players. Respect their time and effort.

Yeah. Part of why I stressed the importance of getting jobs done in a timely manner is this.

When I had just a few months to live, and currently live in three-month increments (when I get scanned for a recurrence of a cancer that came back already), I'm not waiting over a month and a half to not even get a response on a yes or no question, when friends of staff, or staff, get theirs done in a day. That's part of why I only play on my game now; I can make sure stuff is done and fix things when it stalls. There's nothing I can do (edit: elsemush) when staff has no respect for others' time. I feel helpless enough in RL.

I'm not going to do that to others if I can help it, even if they don't have as much urgency, either. It's still wasting time.

It's why players don't need staff to approve most of their xp spends. It's why we give players extra xp if their apps get held up, which so far has been pretty infrequent.

It's why staff get to play in their own spheres, but other staff will do their jobs. It's also why staff's jobs don't have priority over players'

I know I'm harping on it, but this does affect RP. When becomings, entitlements, plots, etc, stall, RP stalls, time gets wasted. It disrespects people and their investment in the game.

A headwiz should intervene. So what if it's just a game? People's lives are tough enough and they are entrusting you with their time, effort and happiness. Saying it's just a game devalues them.

@Meg given how many people were injured and how close we were to it all (it was just down the street, I think the concern was valid. My FB blew up and I had to post a safety check.

Thank you for your concern anyway. I don't check this site anymore (I'll update this thread but that's it) but I'm sure it would have gotten back to me.

@apos Sure they do. Straight men understand consent very well when they're, say, being hit on by a gay man. They also understand stopping in the middle of sex, when you decide to put a finger up their bum. They just don't care.

Both players should quit: one for playing a shitty stereotype, and the other for lying about trying to rile up the forum against him.

Had been considering as I really like one of the series, but that ban means I'm no longer considering (even if I have often been ftb this last year). It tends to lead to too much micro-managing and faux-virtuous attitudes on any game I've played with that in place.

@selira said in Good Music:

@kanye-qwest said in Good Music:

I can echo (from a year ago) St vincent and pomplamoose, and I think anyone in the world should listen to Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple, Dogs were Barking, American Wedding, Illumination, I Just Realized...also the best live show I have ever been to, even in a small DC club.

Let's not forget Wanderlust King if we're going for their songs that get you absolutely pumped.

They are /amazing/ live and absolutely the nicest people in person, just all around a fantastic band.

@thenomain The general action taken in these circumstances is usually no action at all, since most folks tend to like to pat themselves on the back about how 'fair' they are, instead of ejecting toxic people from their games and forums. Criticising the mob for actually calling for someone's ouster seems disingenuous to me.

Besides, Surreality often bends over backwards in trying to be overly 'fair', which I attribute to their good character in general, but that's no good when someone like Auspice uses that tendency against them.

We, as MUSHers, tend to be an empathetic lot, and thus often shy away from cracking down on serial abusers. It's necessary to be able to put oneself in someone else's shoes in order to play the variety of characters that we do, but it is too often used for certain types to get away with abusive and toxic behavior.

(Edit: I had no opinion until I recently saw the evidence of the things they were pulling. I am not down with accusations that have no proof, logs, whatever. I also find the gripings about the mob convenient, as it tries to undercut the fact that a large number of people are disgusted with her unreasonable behavior.)

As a paraplegic who is very active and engaged in his community, I encounter microaggressions most days. Oh, not the 'you called me a cripple, boohoo' kind, but the 'cops give me shit for my wheelchair' shit if I am in a crowded place, or the 'if I am having a diabetic episode, I am at risk for being tased for noncompliance' way. The 'refusal to allow me to board a bus because the driver doesn't want to strap me down' way. The 'talking to my aide instead of me' way if I am speaking at a thing. The 'yelling at me in the bus because my wheelchair tiedowns are where you like to sit' way. The 'screaming at me on the bus because my service dog offends you' way, or the 'why don't you people use dial a ride instead of slowing us down' way, or the 'yelling about how their tax dollars pay for me to be in a home so why am I in line at the deli asking the counter guy to slice my chicken breast because my extreme neuropathy makes it dangerous to hold a knife' way-- though I don't get disability and never have, I am solidly middle-class, paid $30k out of my own pocket for my cancer treatment, and live in my own house?

The way that I, dressed well for an evening out at a fancy restaurant, am treated like either I am a) homeless (and thus randos try to give me money, which is kind of cool and kind of argh), the way that I am b) usually seated behind a barrier/behind a corner/at the shit table and c) given shit service because they think I am too poor to tip.

How randos will grab my wheelchair and manhandle me out of the way if they din't like where I am, often very roughly, in ways that they would NEVER touch an able-bodied man (without expecting a fight).

The way landlords assume that a disabled couple isn't worth renting to because all they must make is social security and thus can't be expected to pay rent on time.

The term microaggression was devised to describe all those relentlessly aggravating and bullshit interactions that are not on the level of outright bigotry but ARE due to unconscious bias against a minority group. They are frequent, inescapable, and omnipresent whenever you try to interact in public society. They are exhausting and draining.

It's annoying as hell that overzealous students have co-opted the term, but it is really useful when correctly used to describe a very real set of interactions.

@apos Yeah. It's possible to create RP and advance other people's stories by giving them some kind of foil, if you do it right.

@PuppyBreath said in RL Anger:

I really hate my family sometimes. And I hate myself for not being able to be a bitch to them.

The fact that your family has normalised cruelty (because conservatism has) to the point that you hate yourself for not being cruel is saddening.

Point your hate at those who deserve it, not yourself.

@arkandel said in Learning how to apply appropriate boundaries:

Take this somewhat harmless example. I'm in a scene with you and Gany. My character says something confrontational IC and yours comes with a great snappy comeback... then Gany says, OOC, "hahah, she put you in your place Arkandel!". The moment that happens it ruins a lot of that scene for me, as it's reframed from an IC encounter we can all enjoy into an OOC zero-sum game where one person can emerge as the winner as long as the other loses.

I usually don't take that kind of commentary badly if I know the player's just excitable, or it's someone I know who just thinks that stuff is funny, which is usually the case that I personally have found. Especially if they bag on themselves when you get them good, too. Same with variations of, 'Zing!' 'Oh snap!' 'Wreckd!' 'RIP' etc. As they just come off as someone LOLing at the scene, not at me personally.

If it's some rando with passive-aggressive issues, though, that's annoying.

Sort of in the same vein, metaposed insults in a non-verbal pose are annoying, too.

@mietze said in Learning how to apply appropriate boundaries:

To the original-ish point though, boundary setting is not so much about what you do TO or FOR other people. It's more deciding in advance how YOU will react, when someone's behavior starts to feel violating to you, before it gets to the point of being an actual violation..
[...]
Boundaries just are not magical things. I think they're most valuable for keeping your choices and your own behavior on the up and up.

I think this is really key. Boundaries are there so you know how much bullshit you are willing to tolerate before you step back (and then decide on what course of action you will take).

Rarely will an abuser go 'Oh right right sorry!' As they are used to pushing too far. They're an adult, they already know better.

Also recommending GLOW. The first few episodes almost lost me but the rest more than made up for it.

I'd prefer to keep it separate. You can do a search on topics, so it's not difficult to look for threads calling out bad behavior, either in constructive or in the Hog Pit.

This is reinforced by my personal experiences of my own game threads being trolled with false accusations and just constant bitching about systems (sometimes for pages) that we'd implemented by people who did not even play the game, attempts to derail conversations, and so on, and it was all allowed to stand. People's own shittiness is why this rule got implemented, and while I don't run or staff anywhere now, I don't feel like seeing it come back.

I tend to see IC obstacles and quandaries and setbacks as a way to create RP and break characters out of a rut and develop them more, and I used to be really accommodating of bad consequences, but I found that being too accommodating tends to attract creeps (including staff creeps, this got really bad on the last WoD game that I did not run, and was part of why I bailed). So that might be why some people shy away from that kind of thing.