My good friend/former roommate moved to midwest about four years ago with this blonde manic pixie dream woman who he’d been sort of peripheral friends with in high school but like, admittedly didn’t really know that well. (You do you, man!)
So, she drives here from Ohio to pick him up and bring him back with her. She has her dog with her for the whole road trip and seeing as I am taking mine out anyway, I offer to take them both for a walk. Her eyes get real big and she is like, shocked anyone would do anything so kind for her. inches a little bit farther away from Whatever. I help them load up some of the uHaul. She spends the night. ...IIII wake up in the morning to get ready for work and not a creature is stirring. Only thing is, the communal bathroom (lights off) has been taken over not only by every makeup and beauty product known to man, but a full breakfast with steaming hot coffee. I’m talking every available surface space including the lip of the bathtub, toilet seat, countertop completely taken over. (Full face of makeup and hair done to move heavy furniture and boxes in the summer? We different.) This is also food left unattended in an apartment with now two loose dogs and two cats. By the way, there are litter boxes in this bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super cute bathroom! It’s just not… where one eats? I wait a little bit of time, feed and take the dogs out, again… come back… twenty minutes have passed and nobody appears to lay any claim any of the bathroom stuff sooooo, I start to get ready for work and hop in the shower. Not one full minute goes by before this bish is tap-tap-tapping her knuckles on my bathroom door, raising her voice like three shrill octaves about how her coffee is in there! I told her she’d just have to wait... in monotone because everything I say is in monotone. I'm cool like that. So, after that, things are chill. No hackles are up. We have coffee in the kitchen, she tells me about how she’s decided she likes the idea of going to go UPenn. (lol. okay.) I tell her my anecdote about how any time I pass by there, I see at least one person crying out in the open. She’s excited to someday live here possibly because she “already has a friend.” Oh, god. breaks fourth wall to stare dead-eyed at audience Entire lives go on. All is forgotten. Years pass.
Cut to present day.
Same friend is moving back to the city. The same two people are splitting a moving truck, but he arrives several days before her and sets up a temporary camp for himself in my home office. She’s bringing her dog and two cats, asks to stow them at my apartment for three days to make moving easier. Sure. My dog loves doggy guests. Whatever. The layout makes separating cats easy. ...except her ETA keeps getting pushed back and back and back (7 to 8 hr drive) until she’s going to arrive here at like, 3 AM. They’re apologizing and promising to be quiet, but realistically there’s no way to be quiet doing this. There are canines involved.
So, I get in the headspace to be woken up. Make my peace with it. It’s gonna happen. I form a battle plan in my head about just taking the dogs out together right away so they can get it out of their system. I end up actually just barely sleeping at all. Is what it is. Not the end of the world. ---She doesn’t show up!! She doesn’t start packing her things into the truck until 1 pm that day or rather, she doesn’t start soliciting help to pack up the truck on facebook until 1 pm. Ends up getting a hotel room halfway without telling anyone. Instead of coming here, she drives straight to the property she apparently purchased after very minimal research, site unseen, in Manayunk which I guess is… still technically in this city I guess. She wants us to come to her because the previous owners/tenants/landlords left a ton of their belongings and the place is horrible with no heat. (I'm shocktt!!)
Not only is Manayunk not at all convenient to get to from here and basically on another planet, but it is now no longer the weekend. It’s Monday. No, no, wait. It’s past noon on Monday! lol. Mama's got other real life shit to do... that she's actually already in the middle of doing, so...
Welcome, though! Good luck. If you use my apartment, take my dog around the block. </endrant>