I ran an original theme game for a bit. One of the factions was ruled by a corporate oligarchy. Members of that particular company, owner, chairman, CEO, EO were all family held and that family, like the ones that founded said company, were what I considered to be 'nobility'.
That was how I worked in a futuristic setting anyways. I have to admit, I always thought that bit of theme was really well done in comparison to the other factions.
Admit I wouldn't mind seeing a L&L theme done in modern or even future settings. Not enough of that.
Ah well, maybe it'll happen one day.
@Ganymede Thankfully, he's rather harmless of the three. He's the kind of jerk that will tear up the underside of the couch to crawl into it but then hide in the basement when someone he doesn't know comes over because he's afraid of his own shadow.
There was one time when at our old apartment, he was cowering behind the toilet because the Charter guy came over to fix the internet.
So it's the female. She's the little shit that'll claw at you if you bother her sleeping.
@Ganymede said in RL things I love:
Congratulations. You have constructed a home for Floof Wizard.
Now where are you going to put your computer?
You know, @Auspice said almost the exact same thing word for word on Skype.
The computer will still go there damnit. It just means I have to computer chair. My hope is that he'd rather sit in that than on the desk.
Which is wishful thinking, I know.
I've mentioned building a desk in other threads. This is the finished product. It's not brand new, it belonged to the girlfriend's dad until he didn't want it anymore for a computer he didn't even use I suspect this is somewhere in the early to mid 2000s. Damn thing came in about forty different pieces. Either way, it'll be more than enough room for the computer, which we bought all the parts for yesterday. Eventually, I'd like to get a dual monitor setup.
Floof Wizard for scale.
If nothing else you rolled a crit success on your Con score after failing a savings throw.
That's how I read that.
This old desk that's been sitting in the corner I finally started to take apart. It had come with us in our move because my girlfriend is sentimental about it because she did her Master's thesis on it.
But it was from Walmart and it's falling apart and it's a piece of shit. So I took it apart, not noticing the layers of fives months worth of dust, to clear out the room from the big damn desk in pieces in one of the spare rooms.
I have been sneezing constantly since. It's been really annoying.
@surreality It's a monstrosity built of faux wood and bent aluminum. But it's at least better than the damn thing I had from Walmart that I'm pretty sure would fall apart if I so much as sneezed at it.
Besides, I am not putting what will eventually be a $1500 gaming PC on it.
But yes, doing stuff with my hands, there is a certain amount of catharsis to it. I've thought about doing the Bob Ross paint thing, because why the hell not. I've found when I needed a moment to chill the hell out, I'll watch Bob beat the devil out of his brushes and keep wondering why I don't do that myself.
There is one other thing I've noticed that helps me. Is simply asking a friend or two to do a simple RP campaign on Google docs. There's no sense of urgency, I can pose when I feel good about doing so and it's singular story between two people. Not idea that I have to worry about the ramifications or metaplot if I'm running something for someone else. It's rewarding in a way and right now it's comfortable. Because I still like writing, still enjoy writing, it's still hobby no matter how much I believe I'm not as good as I want to be at it.
And that is the greatest fault that I find myself struggling with, something I've talked to a few friends. And it reflects so hard on my life away from the computer. The desire to be 'good enough'. Just as I wonder to myself 'why would this friend want to talk to me when they have others?' is just as equal to 'why would this person want to RP with me when there are better people to do so with?'
My girlfriend applies to the theory of 'fuck them', because she, like @Ganymede is a brickhouse when it comes to that stuff. I don't know whether it's the doubt or the confidence that has me constantly wondering if it's me. Either not creative or interesting enough or bad posers or rife with grammatical errors.
I will never be good enough to be an author, I just want to be good enough for own thing.
Added note: I want to build a gym in my basement. I think lifting weights would be good for me to get back into.
@faraday I suppose I would call it a moment of desperation. For a couple of hours where I wanted some kind of normalcy. But I can see how that leads to an extremely slippery slope.
I don't plan on doing so again. Not after being asked not to by a friend.
Day 3.
I'm working on building a desk, that's in literally 30 pieces which will then be put towards the PC we're starting to build(a Corsair Obsidian series tower, I'm told is very pretty).
Having tasks to do, things to do helps. The meeting with my therapist went well, in a sort of 'meet and greet' sort of way. Didn't really start any actual therapy, more of a 'hey how you doing, let's discuss what's wrong and what we're going to do about it'.
She's going to have me see an psychiatrist at some point so I can get perscription, some friends have told me Zoloft.
Though a friend mine gave me a 20mg pill of Ativan, told me to break it into four 5gm doses to 'try and help'. Though another friend said this was probably a really bad idea to do, no matter how much it made me feel...shit, I can't even describe the sensation of not having any weight on my chest felt like it.
I wish I knew why talking to people on the internet was so much harder than doing in person. Seems like that's an oddity.
But, trying to keep myself occupied. It'd be nice to have a decent PC though. Since everyone I know plays via steam and I'm trapped with my XB1/PS4. Though I wish I had some kind of old wooden thing to work on. I did love taking old wood tables or benches and refinishing them when I had the tools to do it.
The pull to jump back into the game is strong. I ask other people how the game is, and I'm told 'fine' or 'There's always big things happening, don't worry about it'. I know this is intentional. I didn't realize what I was asking, just making conversation until I thought about it later. Kind of makes one appreciate your friends more for that.
I've been told that CBT and medication will work well for me. I don't know much about it yet, my girlfriend said it was called 'cognitive behavioral therapy'. Apparently it works well. It's like, how was it described to me, relearning how to process and think things through.
Also, thank to everyone for the advice. I'm not going to assume too much, but it's nice to have a support structure. I appreciate it all.
I feel like this is more becoming my own personal blog on my mental health than an actual thread devoted to how people take care of themselves.
I made an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist.
I've been told that that's one of the hardest steps.
An update.
I realized today that I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do when it comes to MUs. I had a breakdown today. It's something I'm not going to go into detail about, but there was a lot, well, it was messy.
I need to start taking steps. Small ones, slow ones, to try and better myself. I could not do so while on the game that I play on. It has gone past a degree of escapism and turned into something else. Something worse. To fixate and try to replace things in my own life with a fictional fake.
This was bred out of anxiety, depression, self-doubt, anger, jealousy and it all bled from my real life into my MU life. All the things we hate to admit we do and can sometimes be on MUs, I was and have been many of them. And it needs to stop. Today. Because I can't do this anymore. I can't take the tightness in my chest.
I write my feelings down here, raw, unedited. Because I want others to know, there is a particular dark side to letting escapism become some much more and so much worse than an idle hobby. And I don't want to be that person that people here look to and say '..ew'.
I'm not well. I know I'm not. And it ends at this point. I may of written about trying to get better in posts previous, but I have stepped away from the game. I has asked to be IP blocked from the game for at least two weeks for my own sake.
I'm looking up therapists tomorrow. Not to be able to go back and RP. But because I want to get better. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling like this. I need to fix it, or I will never be happy. And eventually, I will of pushed everyone I care about away because of it.
That's what I keep being told. That power outages are a common thing with this. Girlfriend tells me this is just a fact of living in this area. She's used to it and stated that we are not leaving the house until probably Sunday.
She made the comparison of 'You know how we laugh at people in Georgia running around for supplies when they get a quarter inch of snow? It's kinda like that.'
So I'm expecting to power at some point tonight, I just don't know when.
There's supposed to be a fuck off ice storm moving in tonight. So I expect to eventually be without power and internet at some point tonight. No idea, but apparently I'm told this is totally a thing where I now currently live.
Which is kinda funny, considering I come from a state that's notorious for getting snow dumped on us by the feet. And now, living somewhere else where there is much less snow, but a lot more ice.
I'm not sure which is worse. I'm going to say ice because I spent nearly thirty years learning how to drive in snow.
I wouldn't be shocked if there had been a Jill sighting on Arx, honestly.
I think for starts, for right now, I may start writing a blog. If only to put my thoughts down onto.