Posts made by Monogram

@Auspice said in Portland(ia, ia, fhtag'n):

@Monogram said in Portland(ia, ia, fhtag'n):

@Auspice said in Portland(ia, ia, fhtag'n):

...so, this summer, might you have a couch... >.>

(I'm up Seattle-ways and sans-car. I've been considering taking the train to Portland at some point, as I've never been, but I don't want to squish everything into a single day.)

I love the PNW. And I hear Powell's is amazing (and is about 80% of why I want to visit).

Watch it, she'll drink all your booze and try to steal your cat.

She almost did this with me.

Look, it's not my fault your cat loved me more than you. >.>

My cat loves everyone who pays attention for more than five minutes. He's an attention whore, he was just playing you. Like he does with everyone else.

@Auspice said in Portland(ia, ia, fhtag'n):

...so, this summer, might you have a couch... >.>

(I'm up Seattle-ways and sans-car. I've been considering taking the train to Portland at some point, as I've never been, but I don't want to squish everything into a single day.)

I love the PNW. And I hear Powell's is amazing (and is about 80% of why I want to visit).

Watch it, she'll drink all your booze and try to steal your cat.

She almost did this with me.

Made a new attempt at mac an cheese tonight. I had...most of the ingredients. I mean...you can supplant milk for evaporated milk and and heavy cream for half and half, right? /Right?/

I should say I put this kind of punishment on myself, but there's a kind of odd annoyance when you eat something, and unsure if it's good or not, you keep eating it.

@Catsmeow My condolences.

CG wasn't horrible, it was pretty straight forward, I think, beyond the point that I either misread a thing or two and having old habits when it comes to CG.

My only lasting problem is figuring out Lairs with Beast. It's just so abstract that I find myself having a slight problem with trying to wrap my head around it.

Giving this game a bump for attention. Someone pointed out Beast to me, and while I've never played, after reading a good portion of it, I'm pretty dead set on trying it out.

People seem pretty darn friendly too, so that's plus as well.

Nuts. But thanks for asking.

Out of curiosity. Does the game support Geist? Or if not now, will it in the future?

Don't know if this falls into anger or sadness. My older cat I had to take to the vet today because I thought he had cold that had been going on for too long, and I got more concerned by the bit of swelling on his bottom lip and the sleep bleed from his nose. Took him to the vet the next day.

Apparently all of his sneezing, sniffling, nose and whatnot is caused by a teeth disease that I guess is somewhat common in cats.

He's on antibiotics right now, with another appointment to get his teeth xrayed and inspect the swollen bump a little bit more in detail. The cancer was used once, so I find myself worried.

Meh.

I'm still waiting for whatever side-effect I'm going to get from taking Zoloft. My doctor said if it doesn't affect me well, I might get switched to Lexipro, but I suppose I have another week to see how it works before my next appointment.

@Catsmeow You make a very valid point. And you're right, it doesn't mean that they're bad people. It's always been my belief that we are, dealing with our own problems and there are times where we mess up. I've tried to be very understanding when I'm on the other side of the ball. I'm more willing to forgive people for their mistakes. And now that I can clearly look at my own actions(and really, things for me didn't really start going downhill to the point that I noticed I needed help til November), I see how things I've said or done or acted would be looked at in a 'whoat dude not cool' way. Hell, were it to happen to me now, I'd think that.

Where I'm at now is somewhere between waffling on aplogizing and just letting things be. And letting, or hoping how far I've gotten will show that I'm trying to improve and trying to get better.

For what it's worth, you and @Auspice are badass for talking about the things that you have. That's not easy, so kudos to you both.

For my own part, thank you for people here being supportive. It's been a good outlet to use to talk as I take as much effort as I can to get better myself.

It's almost bitter, I suppose. As @Cupcake said, revelation would suffice, but when you look back at things you said or did, how you acted, there is almost a bitterness or resentfulness at how you acted. Or shame. And I know, were this the same Monogram from three weeks ago, he wouldn't be able to shake it. Griped and held by it. Instead, I find myself trying to find some way to fix it, or at least, try to apologize.

It's harder in the MU world. Because, at least in my opinion, it's so hard to come back once word gets out that this person is 'trouble' or 'toxic' or 'creepy' or whatever other negative adjective you want to place. And when I look back on myself, I would put a label on myself. Probably 'weird' or 'erratic'. And you feel almost kind of obligated to try explain that wasn't you. Or well, it was, but a damaged version. I don't know if that makes it any better.

My therapist has made a good analogy. You have certain pillars. Wants and Needs, with the latter being the stronger emotionally-bound. And I have to move my hobby of MUing(that I was using almost as a form of self-medication)from a Need to Want. As if to say "I would like to RP, but I don't /need/ to RP."

In the end, when it comes to the people that I've hurt or have stepped back due to how I've acted, my friend said it best. "They can either understand what you've been going through, or they can fuck off, because they're probably not friends worth having." Part of me thinks that a bit extreme, but maybe it's warranted. It doesn't mean I'm not sorry for how I was. I am, but as opposed to previous Monogram, he won't be beholden to that guilt. I have to learn to move on, even if I find myself held at arm's reach.

I don't know if this is a downside to what I've been going through, but the longer I've been treated, it almost feels like you develop a kind of new self-awareness for your surroundings. To be given, or realize a newer sense of clarity that you hadn't really noticed before. And now that you have, you can look back and realize, 'holy shit, I was messed up'. And it's only been three weeks or so since I first started on this track to try and get help. Get better. But already, I see the things I had done, or had acted, or had said, and realize that whenever I'd wonder why I'd suddenly lose a friend online or people were cold, that it wasn't because of any grand scheme or assholishness, it was my own behaviour. It was me acting entirely erratic and off.

There is a guilt associated with that, especially when you realize it. I'm not going to sit here and blame it all on my brain chemistry, though I do think large portion does go to that. I wasn't me, I wasn't...right, I guess. And now, I feel as if I have a good deal of people to apologize to.

I realized this had come to head when I was actively being excluded out of things. And someone told me, who I thought had been a friend, was actively ignoring me and they felt like shit over it. I realized then that it wasn't just on them, but on me. I had caused a lot of this to occur.

I think I've come a long way from where I was. And I think admitting to it openly is something I need to do, not try and hide from mistakes I've made. It's all so sobering. On the same token, I also know I can't try breaking my back to mend bridges with people. Sometimes, you just can't. And if they can't accept that I'm trying to not be the person I was, or at least understand it, then I guess there's nothing else to be said.

At least I'm not torn up in knots over it.

I blame @Miss-Demeanor for this, but I picked up GW2. I've been enjoying it thus far as my first foray into the MMO thing.

Eventually, I'll have enough money for something else. The PC did a number on the bank account.

I've notice for me, that splitting my time from a lot of things help. While I may not be prepared to get heavy into RPing just yet, I have found an outlet in having this new PC.

I started playing Guild Wars 2, at the suggestion of a friend(because she wanted someone to play with). I had never touched an MMO before, a fact that I was always proud of. I played for three hours today, and during that time, had zero interest or desire in doing anything MU-related. I consider this a win for myself. My medication made that desire decrease dramatically, playing something else to occupy my time made me forget about it entirely.

And it's a bit relieving. Knowing and understanding that I have a grip on it. That I control how I feel, rather than opposed to my brain driving and demanding me to log onto a MU because it fuels and feeds me those chemicals in my brain that I don't get normally.

It may of been a $1400 investment, but its the best investment I've made in a long time.

Today was a good day. I know only started medication this week, but I have already noticed a difference in how I think and perceive things. It could also be a placebo effect on my brain, but the constant anxiousness and that particular tightness in my chest isn't as noticable. As if things are more manageable now. Aware of them, but they don't control or rule how I act and react. It's a good feeling.

I logged into my MUs for the first time in ten days, just to see if I was comfortable enough with doing so. Catch up on boards, just say hi to people. It was a good feeling and to myself, as if I had taken a positive step forward in the right direction.

I don't want to jump right back into RPing, not yet, but at least able to log in and poke at things lightly, I feel good about that.Like what I've been doing has been having a positive effect.

I feel calm and comfortable. It's not a feeling I've had in a very very long time.

@Sunny said in Coming Soon: Arx, After the Reckoning:

I find it frustrating to have it be implied that to be successful, you have to be online a lot, not have a life, etc. I am not successful because I have a time advantage (being on and being engaged are very different).

I delegate.

While I may be taking a short break from Arx, this is something I have felt very strongly in the time that I have been away from it. The game moves fast, almost too fast for my liking and at times it feels like there is almost a suggestion that if you don't dedicate the majority of your life to it, you're going to fall behind. And to note, I was completely one of those people who wanted 'all the clues ever' as unrealistic as that is.

Now, I know this probably isn't true at all, but the point is that it feels like it is. I'm hoping at some point the game decides to slow itself down to allow some to catch their breath, or at least feel like you're not missing out on a lot of things. It might be at the speed in which metaplot unravels, or the fact that the game moves at 3:1 time or a combination of both.

Either way, I know exactly what you're talking about. But again, even if I feel that, I don't think it's the case.

@ThatGuyThere I was going to say it's just an environment created by the Matrix, but that's just as good.

Because I haven't updated in a week or so. This has been a rather hard week for me, but I think I've found some respite in a couple things. Mostly in a very beneficial conversation with a friend and then another conversation with my therapist based upon the first.

A friend kept asking me 'why' RP was so important to me. I couldn't really give an answer to it. It was when I finally started to question the 'why' on the physiological level instead of the emotional and mental aspect of it. Turns out, strangely enough, I had been using MUing to self-medicate. When we do things we enjoy, our brains secrete four particular chemicals. Usually this is serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine. I had somehow subconciously been seeking out the biggest provider of serotonin and dopamine since that's something I don't produce as much as I should. There's a more long-winded explanation that I'll hold off on.

My therapist thought this was very forward thinking today, proud that I had come to that conclusion. There is a bit of guilt involved for me, now the sudden realization that I was treating people I RP'd with like some kind of drug pusher to get my fix.

That all said, today's session combined with now being on medication has helped immensely, and for the first time I feel like I can think straight. This last week has been hard. To the point where it almost felt like withdraw. I couldn't figure out why it felt like that until I came to the thought that I did. Still, the pull is there. It doesn't feel so dire now, and the need to remind myself on the now instead of fixating my thoughts on the past or the future.

Spoke to my therapist today on the phone. She wanted me to drop by the office a day early. Got me in to see a psychiatrist who was able to give me a perscription for anti-anxiety medication. Zoloft, I think, or whatever generic name that I was given(because it was cheaper).

Good day.