Posts made by Sunny

I am confused as to what problem people are trying to solve.

How about if you junk a dress, you can make another dress from it, but it becomes junked silk instead of new silk and it can't be used for model clothes, just wearing clothes. Or just take junk out. Like that whole portion of things is why the working parts have to be messed with, soooo.

@arkandel said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

@aria said in Real World Peeves, Disgruntlement, and Irks.:

If it would make the retail workers feel better, I will tell my very funniest retail story ever, which involves end-of-night inventory at a friend's place of employment. I will warn, however, that said friend was working at a fetish shop at the time, so.... it's super, super NSFW.

Y/N?

What's the goddamn chance we'll say (N)?

Come on. This is us.

Right? Does anyone NOT want to hear the story? lol. Please, @aria, share! If it's so NSFW you're worried about it, use a spoiler tag!

I am at my desk.

I have a scarf on. I have a space heater. My blinds are closed against the window, so it's not sucking out the heat.

I am freezing my tail off, still. Omg. This building is SO freaking cold, and my coworkers are all 'I don't know what you mean, I'm comfortable' and 'you're crazy, I'm sweating buckets' and I'm over here with my teeth chattering and my fingers turning blue. No, it's not really THAT bad, but it sure SEEMS like it. FREAKING COLD AND I DO NOT LIKE IT.

Also, make it about you, not them.

'I do not like this' NOT 'When you do this, it makes me'

Keep it subjective. If it's about your personal tastes/boundaries as a person rather than an objective observation of someone's behavior, it doesn't challenge their reality as much to be asked to stop something. If they are a reasonable person and not a creeper, then this will help you and the other person recover on the other side of the conversation.

There's also (again) less to challenge you about, because it's not about whether they are RIGHT or WRONG, but instead whether or not you LIKE it, which they cannot legitimately make a case against.

(ETA: This soapbox edition brought to you care of the two nasty creepers I've had to put out the airlock in the last 6 months or so. I am SO BAD at setting boundaries, so I have to work at it really hard, but this is where I go from when this bear does finally get woken up.)

Oh also.

Don't get caught up in an argument about whether or not you should be made uncomfortable by that behavior. That is tactic #1 for boundary violating assholes everywhere, arguing with you about your right to set that boundary in the first place.

KISS, every time. Keep it simple, stupid.

'I do not like that. Please stop.'

'But... <insert thing here>'

'I understand. I do not like it. Please stop.'

If you give them more than that, then they get something to twist and argue. If you keep it polite, direct, and simple, there's nothing to latch on about, there's nothing to FIGHT about.

'I do not like that. Please stop.'

'Why?'

'Why does not matter. I want you to stop.'

1. If it makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to ask it to stop.

It does not matter if it's "all in your head", or you being fussy. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it's okay to set boundaries.

'Please don't do that, I don't like it.'

Normal people who do not have behavioral issues will generally respond to this sort of thing in a healthy fashion; they might get hurt feelings, but it absolutely will not be the end of the world or a dramatastic explosion.

If you get the dramatastic explosion, or you get someone yelling at you for being stuffy, or stuck up, or picky, then they are trying to use guilt to manipulate you. It is literally part of the con, to get past those boundaries -- having a fit is part of the 'over the line behavior' in the first place.

If you're not sure that what they're doing is over the line or not, then either ask a trusted friend for their opinion, or just tell staff on the game that you're not sure and need a sanity check, but honestly, it really DOES get to be a litmus of 'is this making me uncomfortable' and if the answer is 'yes' it doesn't MATTER if you're just being picky or fussy.

You need to tell them to stop. Politely. 'I do not like X, please stop doing it to me.'

It doesn't have to be more than that. If they react to that badly, that is on THEM, not on you, and dealing with that fallout is where you are going to have to (painfully) grow as a person, unfortunately. Because typically people who are used to violating boundaries are VERY likely to throw an everloving tantrum when you start making them stop.

@smmc

Welcome back to the hobby. If you need a point of contact and some handholding, feel free to send me a PM. Only place I'm currently playing on is an original fantasy game, but I enjoy it!

Yeah, they were literally pulling all lettuce and lettuce adjacent products from the shelves when I was in the grocery a minute ago.

Why does my head hurt? I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer.

Oh right, I had a fuck-awful day. I love my job, I work with wonderful people, my team is amazing. If what had happened today happened everywhere else it would be the end of my world pretty much, but this is ultimately nbd. However, the fact is there are times where being in IT is ridiculously stressful, and this is one of those times. We've gotten hit with a virus in a really, really bad way. Oof.

Doubleposting because today is a day for winning.

My short-term disability claim was approved!!!!! FINALLY.

We do adopt a kiddo for Christmas here at work. I requested an age/gender combo that she has a hard time finding people for, and we ended up with an older boy. An older gaming boy. My team is excited about it. EXCITED. Last year they participated sort of because-it-was-there, but this year they are actively enthused and have all sorts of ideas and everything. He's gonna get a good Christmas.

@ghost

Where?

Legit, where? Where has there been unforgivable drama rather than petty bickering and minor tussles? I have seen a lot of DRAMA, but I have not seen UNFORGIVABLE drama.

@ghost

I genuinely believe that the things you're referring to as minor that lead to long-term problems are much, much less frequent than you think they are. People having a tussle and going their separate ways, it's done and over. It's normal, reasonable human behavior. I don't think 'be kinder' or 'try not to sweat the small stuff' is BAD ADVICE, it's just not related to forgiveness, because minor/petty things don't NEED forgiveness.

ETA: Like, we're over here talking about the person who's done $10k+ worth of damage to somebody's house, and you're reminding people that someone not paging you back isn't worth getting ruffled feathers over.

@ghost

I think what bothers me about what you said is this:

Forgiveness is what it is, but I think a number of these "never forgive" instances, unless they involve actual fucked up OOC behavior, is often tied to something that isn't truly unforgivable with a cup of coffee and a heart to heart.

I can't think of a single genuine issue I have with someone that does not involve a severe violation of a boundary (mine or someone else's), severe (not minor, but severe) 'mean girl' behavior (guys do it just as bad, mind), and/or sexual harassment. Otherwise, I get irritated with somebody, and I move on. @surreality and I have fought like cats and dogs on a number of occasions both publicly and privately, and I do not even BEGIN to say: I have an issue with her. I don't. I don't think she has an issue with me. Not actual issues. She and I are a really good example, because I suspect most people would point and say there's a big thing there. There's not. That is the case all the way around here with most people. Actual, genuine, significant issues on the scale that actual forgiveness is involved?

We're talking things like Spider, man. Somebody forgetting to page me back gets FORGOTTEN, not FORGIVEN, because it is stupid and minor and doesn't need forgiveness in the first place.

ETA: Here's the thing:

Not wanting to spend my free fun time with people who irritated me in X or Y way?
This is not an issue, this is a preference as to who I spend my time with.

Not wanting to hook my PC up with a particular player's characters ever again?
This is not an issue, this is a preference as to who I spend my time with.

Not wanting to be in an org or faction run by a particular person?
This is not an issue, this is a preference as to who I spend my time with.

Me choosing to be choosy about my (very limited, even if it doesn't look that way on the surface) free time does not indicate an issue or a problem.

Could all of these things be easily resolved with discussion? Yeah, I guess, but just like IRL, I don't have to like and/or spend time with everybody. I don't have to be anyone's friend just because they exist. None of these things rise to the level of forgiveness even needing to be involved, because nobody did anything wrong. These are the minor/petty miscommunications and nonsense that are being referenced -- these are not the things referenced as needing to be FORGIVEN.

ETA2: Anyone needing a big dog and pony show about bestowing forgiveness related to minor, petty disagreements is the actual problem, not the bigger person and/or the solution. See: 'Mean Girl' behavior.

@ghost

It happens way way way way way way way more than any other sort of problems I ever encounter. There is one issue I have had in that time period in which I fervently believe that if we could actually manage to sit down in good faith to work it out, we could probably get it worked out. But honestly, situations like that -- the minor miscommunications and so on -- these aren't the things that long term develop into these grudges. These grudges develop in most cases around boundary issues. I think you're preaching to the choir on your premise: everyone here agrees with you that the minor things should be water off a duck's back. We're not actually talking about those things, though.

@ghost

I don't care how much I am not physically being actually, genuinely harmed IRL: people refusing to respect my boundaries is a massive problem when it happens, and it happens all the time. I have had to block no less than 5 people over the last OOC year from communication with me due to their inability to respect that I do not want to be asked for nudes, that I do not want to TS, that I do not want to have someone pester me about who I am playing with instead of them. These ARE problems, and they are NOT just minor differences of opinion, and they happen ALL THE TIME. Just having a "heart to heart" with these people absolutely does not begin to solve the problem, and in many cases is literally what these jackoffs are LOOKING to force.

I do lots of forgiving.

I can't really think of a time where I forgave something major within the hobby that I didn't hate myself for it later, that I didn't call myself stupid, that I didn't end up regretting every bit of kindness and bigger person that I extended. Little stuff, enh, water off a duck's back.

ETA: It has bit me in the rear end every. single. time.

@kumakun

If FATE is what excites you, do FATE.

My heart is broken. I am going to miss him more than I have words for. It's not fair. I hate it. He has been my partner in crime for so long in this hobby that I don't even know what to do. I mentioned somewhere the other day the two people who had saved my life; he was one of them. He was a good soul whose absence is going to be felt forever. Stupid death.